Author Topic: Somewhere, a word.  (Read 3017 times)

thesmallone

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Somewhere, a word.
« on: October 19, 2013, 10:01:14 PM »
I've suffered in silence too long. Learned too early in life that there were no words to describe my pain, that I am never to expect recognition or validation, much less support towards finding a solution. I've learned that on top of the pain that I experience, there is the pain of social erasure. I couldn't help hating my body, but I tried my hardest to shield myself from being taught to hate my soul.

Typing takes too much work. Been sleeping all day for the past few days. Have 5 deadlines to meet next week that I haven't started to work on. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. I keep trying, it's not like I don't try to get out of bed and get on with life. So far the best I've managed is half-sitting up in bed with my laptop, writing this.

Sounds familiar?

I always knew that I was a non-sexual being, in mind and spirit. Puberty was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. My very first reaction to physical sexual energy was fear; intense, indescribable terror. The kind of thing anyone would rightfully feel if their body suddenly started doing things and feeling things that made no sense to the consciousness, as if some alien had taken over it.

Orgasms are the ultimate reminder of how foreign this body is to me. There is nothing pleasurable about it whatsoever. It is a terrifying experience of disembodiment. My reaction to it has varied over the years, from intense depression and suicidality to out-of-body experiences in the very literal sense, and now it has taken on the form of debilitating physical symptoms. Headache, nausea, extreme fatigue, dizziness, pain all over the body, etc, etc. You all know the drill.

I relate so, so much to the folks on here who have expressed that after a sustained period of abstinence they almost become a completely different person - feeling alive, alert, not just functional but also creative and energetic. That was me. Before puberty, and during those times since puberty where I've been able to manage a sustained period of abstinence. I had potential, I had dreams, I had so much creativity and inspiration to create and engage with the life I was given. But loneliness and isolation took its toll on me. Eventually, I came to hate myself anyway, and lost faith in my capacity to keep it up. Time and time again I tried to "normalize" myself, trying to see if they who accused my pain of "being all in my head" was right. If it was all in my head, I could change it, right? I could force myself to identify with and enjoy sexuality like every other "normal" person, can't I? And that's when the physical symptoms started hitting full-force, as if there was no other way to make myself get the message that it's NOT "all in my head".

Now, I don't even remember how I was able to manage before. "If you don't like sex/masturbation, just don't do it." But I wish it was that simple. The erectile sensation literally gives me panic attacks. Then I can't think straight, can't remember how I wasted a whole week in bed and missed all my deadlines not long ago for the Nth time, all I can fathom in that moment is making that sensation go away. It's become a vicious cycle. It's destroyed my life and what potential I used to have, and still I can't bring myself to confide in a single person. I hate myself enough already, I don't need to be told to do it more.

Please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.

Going back to sleep now.

Prancer

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Re: Somewhere, a word.
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2013, 11:35:18 PM »
Hello thesmallone and welcome! Your story is really sad. Hopefully you will be cured one day soon once the research gets going.

Prancer

thesmallone

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Re: Somewhere, a word.
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2013, 02:41:48 AM »
I would literally do anything in the world for a way to permanently extinguish this body's "libido"; that is the cure that I need, just like how the treatment for transsexualism is to re-align the physical body with what the brain recognizes. But a non-sexual body will never be acknowledged by society as a real need that some people can actually benefit from. It's always the same bullshit, "have you been abused as a child?" "did you have a religious upbringing that told you sex is sinful?" "are you suppressing homosexual desires?" "you just haven't found the right person" etc, etc, etc... NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I don't have a problem with sex and sexuality, I think it's quite beautiful when I see other people benefit from it. But it's not ME.

Makes me rage. Who gives anyone the right to make assumptions, when they have no idea in hell what I've been through.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2013, 02:43:35 AM by thesmallone »

Daveman

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Re: Somewhere, a word.
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2013, 06:43:17 AM »
I would literally do anything in the world for a way to permanently extinguish this body's "libido"; that is the cure that I need, just like how the treatment for transsexualism is to re-align the physical body with what the brain recognizes. But a non-sexual body will never be acknowledged by society as a real need that some people can actually benefit from. It's always the same bullshit, "have you been abused as a child?" "did you have a religious upbringing that told you sex is sinful?" "are you suppressing homosexual desires?" "you just haven't found the right person" etc, etc, etc... NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I don't have a problem with sex and sexuality, I think it's quite beautiful when I see other people benefit from it. But it's not ME.

Makes me rage. Who gives anyone the right to make assumptions, when they have no idea in hell what I've been through.

Hi Thesmallone.

Perhaps it was too long ago to remember the details, but is your revulsion of sex related to the fact that it made you physically ill, that it is something that made you sick afterwards, or did you have the revulsion to sex for other reasons.

Or perhaps said differently, if the act didn't make you physically ill and depressed, would you feel that the issue was marvelously resolved.

It's a difficult question, especially for someone who may not know what "good sex" feels like. What I mean, is that I for instance got POIS when I was older, so I know what normal sex is, so when POIS came along, I felt the difference. I had a reference as to what was good and what was bad.

Many of you  have had POIS since the very first ejaculation. You cna't know what good "free" sex is like, perhaps only imagine.

If you could imagine that sex did not produce sickness and put you out of service for a week or more would that change your hope for the future?

It is an important question, because if your problem stems from a different point, perhpas a revulsion of the sense of "lack of control" or whatever, there is probably a solution.

Sex change, or even being converted to an asexual "could be" a solution, given the right circumstances. IF for instance you feel that a POIS cure, say from research, would make no difference to you, perhpas careful guidance through councelling could lead you to the right solution.

Otherwise, wait, because there is hope on the horizon. We are working on the solution, through professional research.

We resist those who say that POIS is in our heads, but for some, there may be some truth to it. I don't mean this in a negative way. I mean, that it can well be that some just perfer not to be bothered by sexual "nonsense".

The problem is, why? If that why is as a result of never having a good sexual experience which is a result of POIS, then there is hope for a POIS cure.
If the problem stems elsewhere, you should consider following the leads, and find YOUR solution. I'm sure there is one.
WITHOUT RESEARCH THERE WILL BE NO CURE!
Sessions 5 to 9 days, mostly Flu-like, joints, digestion problems, light cognitive.
Niacin has changed my lif though, now 1 day MAX.
Somewhere in this interaction with Niacin is the answer!

Stef

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Re: Somewhere, a word.
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2013, 12:43:46 PM »
I would literally do anything in the world for a way to permanently extinguish this body's "libido"; that is the cure that I need, just like how the treatment for transsexualism is to re-align the physical body with what the brain recognizes. But a non-sexual body will never be acknowledged by society as a real need that some people can actually benefit from. It's always the same bullshit, "have you been abused as a child?" "did you have a religious upbringing that told you sex is sinful?" "are you suppressing homosexual desires?" "you just haven't found the right person" etc, etc, etc... NO, NO, NO, NO!!! I don't have a problem with sex and sexuality, I think it's quite beautiful when I see other people benefit from it. But it's not ME.

Makes me rage. Who gives anyone the right to make assumptions, when they have no idea in hell what I've been through.

Hello, thesmallone,

I've read both your posts, and am so sorry that you're going through such an ordeal. I hope that I've understood what you are trying to express here.

You seem to be saying that (1) you're asexual (non-sexual) and have always known it; (2) orgasms are and always have been a terrible experience for you; (3) you don't want to ever have an orgasm, but they occur because of your body's natural physical reactions.

You might not be aware -- but there are many asexual men and women!  So you're definitely not alone with this -- far from it.  The following website may be helpful to you regarding asexuality -- http://www.asexuality.org/home/.

Speaking only for myself, what isn't clear from your writing is why you become so overwhelmed and physically ill from ejaculating.  Do you think you have POIS
(a serious medical condition) AND that you happen to be asexual (not a medical condition)?

Stef




thesmallone

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Re: Somewhere, a word.
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2013, 11:02:52 PM »
I have physical symptoms very similar to what people here are describing. It's probably psycho-somatic, for me.