I have taken it upon myself to make this tread my personal, very public journal about the pain that a lost relationship can cause.
The fact that I have POIS is besides the point here. There are countless, people in the world who experience loss and heartbreak. In my case, that pain may be amplified due to the nature of this syndrome, yet is understood by most.
I have hope that one day, I will make things work with this wonderful girl as does she. She is apprehensive and understands the brutal nature of what is happening/has happened to me. I always knew this could happen from day one, but need to try to make a relationship work with this, because she was worth it, and still is. Yet, when you sacrifice your health to please another and possibly functionality, the situation becomes hazy and difficult for all. She cannot do this while I am in the throws of POIS anymore. I understand, things can be severe, scary and partners may end up feeling guilt/responsible for our pain after a period of time. In a sense, she is right, she cannot continue to feel my level of pain and see me decline related to sex and intimate love. It is pure brutality for her as well, especially after 8yrs and with the severity that I do experience symptoms sometimes. All it takes is arousal with her, because she turns me on so much. This is all I know. I know how to deal with it better than she can ever learn to, it will break her, but may never break me. I understand. She can not live in dysfunction, sacrifice everything just for me. I can though because that is who I am. I do not expect that extreme viewpoint of her though.
I have had time to process all of this over the last wk. It has been hard, yet the pieces are starting to fit again. I feel empowered, like I am 18 again, and I know exactly what I need to do and how to get it. I needed this. To abstain for 3wks, maybe months and become whole again. I know how to do this. It is muscle memory from a time when I had no one. A child with POIS who knew how to do it because I had to. And now I have to again, and I am 28. It is time. My time. Just for me, and no one else. Not for anyone else ever again. Even if she comes back, this is for me. I will always love her and likely make any sacrifice needed, but if I do sacrifice my health via-POIS again I will hurt us both and will not do that. That is not OK. How can I explain this in terms that makes sense to people without POIS?
Imagine, every time you had sex, your emotions rampaged in every direction imaginable, body felt as though it was attacking you and did strange painful things that were constant and relentless, confusion set in, you became socially different all of the sudden, felt traumatized from yourself, numbness, self was a shadow of it's former shape, more tired than you have ever been, ever and wanted to crawl in the fetal position and die. That is POIS, that is POIS. Would you want to have sex again? Or share that with anyone?
I shared that with this girl, because she was worthy of it. Her love was/is immense. She is everything to me and always will be. My motivation even still. She is everywhere. I cannot describe the love I feel for her in words that make any kind of sense. I dream of her, then awake and think of her. And do it all over again. I do many things in a day, everyday, yet she is always there despite not dating in 2months. I have never felt this with anything, and I love chess, my family, birding, many things... This is an entirely different beast, which there is no comparison.
Now, I cannot share orgasm with myself after the break-up. It is strange, there is no desire or even arousal. Very strange. Even when I do try to become aroused, all I think about is her, then poof I cannot because she is not there. When I was 20, I lost my virginity to her, and she to I. Before that I couldn't share sex with anyone ever because of the POIS symptoms, yet she was worth it. She is worth it. Now, like that teenager I cannot share that with anyone, there is no desire to. Even if I do become aroused, mentally, without that kind of love, her love, there is no one worth anything to me in that way because of the attachment I have related to the shift in my ability to share sex. She not only took my virginity, she made POIS OK to share with someone. But, now since my POIS is not OK for her to experience anymore, I cannot share it anymore again. I just cannot. This is not a conscious thing anymore. When I was 12 and first experienced my own sexuality, I told myself that it was not OK to ever share these things with anyone because of the brutal symptoms of POIS I had experienced. She changed that, only her. Now that she is gone. I just cannot. I feel young again, it is strange.
Maybe one day, I will have her back and she will have me, how she needs me. I hope. Maybe I will be able to share this with another. I don't want to, I want her but, if I must, I also hope as well. That just doesn't feel right at all though. I feel as though she feels some of what I do too w/ the attached value to the POIS symptoms. Because that is all she knows as well. What did I do to her. Oh god. If I don't get good enough where I can function and have sex again, I hope she can have sex functionally with another with thinking of my pleasure and trauma in the back of her mind. But then again, I do feel what I experience is so extreme sometimes, it is a gift. Something to savor and really appreciate for the depths of emotion, pleasure and pain I can experience. I just don't know. Perhaps I am attaching value, to something that simply is not understood. My love is beautiful, my sex beautiful. If you cannot handle it, get the fuck outta the kitchen
. But I hope at this pt I can temper that so that it is more manageable, more normal, whatever that means.This is me. Am I POIS? No. But can I separate my psycho-sexual identity from it at this pt? No. I cannot. We are now part of each other. And she can see that. Oh no, she can see that. She sees me and got scared, very scared. No one has ever seen all of me like that before. The good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. I am grateful. She sees all of me finally. I love her more now.
I was 12, 12. I am 28. Most of my life. This has been me. All of my sexual identity after puberty, I have POIS. POIS is a huge part of my sexual identity. I hope I can get rid of it or learn to love it. Learning to love POIS.... What a strange concept. Can it be done? Can we get rid of it?
In the mean time. I am loving life, music, chess, work, people, anything I can. Because I have so much love to give. She is missing out. She is. She will know it one day. But she needs this. This break up for her. She needs her right now. And I need me again. Finally this is me. I did need me again friends. They are always right. Learn that and you have learned about 20% of all you can in life. That special woman in your life is always right even when she is not. This is true because she knows what she needs even if you are clueless. Sometimes what she needs is exactly what you need, because she makes you happy even if you are her carpet to walk on; although lets hope it's not that extreme unless you like that kinda thing. You must abide by this and not swim against the current; it is futile. I am learning, POIS or no POIS, do not swim against the current, go with the damn flow. I have POIS and I am beautiful and will love me the the way I need it, sex or no sex. That is me. And I am OK with me. In fact I love me. Now go love you!
Love you hard! The sex will come. It will. Do it when you can. There is no rush. It is what it is.
I love her so much but,
I love you all.
