Author Topic: I love my GF  (Read 8444 times)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
I love my GF
« on: July 27, 2014, 01:43:18 PM »
Recently I have run into difficult times w/ my relationship of 7yrs. I am experiencing severe inflammation so I feel as though I need to abstain and change some things for the better to get back on my feet again. I want to take time off from my relationship to make things go smoother health-wise. This is difficult decision because I do not want to lose my girlfriend whom I love dearly.

 Most ppl don't and cannot understand my motives for such a drastic move, but I bet many of you can relate.

28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Samir

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 150
  • POIS victim since 1988
    • Huntsville Car Scene.com
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2014, 07:25:56 PM »
I think your GF would understand too if she really loves you.  If not, then let her go.  If you're honest and tell all and she can't take it, she wasn't going to stick around anyways--better to find out now rather than later.

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2014, 12:11:58 AM »
I think your GF would understand too if she really loves you.  If not, then let her go.  If you're honest and tell all and she can't take it, she wasn't going to stick around anyways--better to find out now rather than later.

Thanks for the support Samir.

It means a lot. I have a hard time imagining being with anyone else for the long haul- but I must move on if it goes south. We will talk again early October and see if we can make this wk. 

She took time off a month after I suggested it... (it seems as though she needed to feel in control of that). This is very painful. I hope we make it together. Love sucks and is especially hard with POIS.
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2014, 10:56:12 PM »
Scared as hell guys. If I lose this girl, I don't know what I will do... I will most likely speak with her this week (I'm guessing Wednesday, Friday or Saturday) . She is the love of my life and I do not really want to love or have sex with anyone else... 8yrs... I know she loves me too. I love her so much.

I caused so much harm. I feel lost without her. Like a part of me died. I just want to embrace her and tell her how wonderful she is. I am worth it too. I have had mental problems and been hurtful in the last couple of months, but I am worth it!
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Labyrinth

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 160
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2014, 10:00:00 AM »
Yes you are God afflicted you with this , and he gonna be with you , and choose for you the best
POIS of 10 yrs now

Defsync

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2014, 10:39:14 PM »
Im not partial to mention of God as a cause, Lab, just gonna through that out there.

Anyways, Andy, since you love this girl the way you do, I suggest you fight tooth and nail to be with her. Yeah POIS sucks the big one. But you already know how she completes you and how happy she makes you.

Sometimes it can be difficult to think things through POISed. Even if you dont O, coitus can produce symptoms regardless. Believe me when Im speaking from acute experience.

So thats why I'm here to support you and give you my advice.

I know how freakishly difficult it can be to want to stay with someone while reducing your POIS symptoms. And the fear and the threat of loneliness compiled upon the cognitive dysfunction symptoms can be downright terrifying.  And we lash out. He hurt the one we love. We try to "reason" in our head, try to make sense of our action or decisions, but the reality is this disease will fuck your mind up physically as well as psychologically.

My BEST solution to you, is to find a separate support network, like a couple or even just one real life friend or family member (real life person, not these forums), who completely understands your condition and will be there for you when the self doubts threaten everything. They will be on call for you, waiting with a cup of coffee or a brewski at their place or yours or the cafe, ready to listen to you and to KEEP REMINDING YOU why your love and relationship for this girl are so important for your well being.

Ive been fortunate to have such a support network. I just never had the bravery to utilize them when needed. AND YOU MUST BE BRAVE. You can bet its insanely difficult, especially if you are POISed out, to approach someone for help or support. But your happiness is worth it my friend. Believe that.

I wish you the best, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers ;)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2014, 12:57:14 AM »
Im not partial to mention of God as a cause, Lab, just gonna through that out there.

Anyways, Andy, since you love this girl the way you do, I suggest you fight tooth and nail to be with her. Yeah POIS sucks the big one. But you already know how she completes you and how happy she makes you.

Sometimes it can be difficult to think things through POISed. Even if you dont O, coitus can produce symptoms regardless. Believe me when Im speaking from acute experience.

So thats why I'm here to support you and give you my advice.

I know how freakishly difficult it can be to want to stay with someone while reducing your POIS symptoms. And the fear and the threat of loneliness compiled upon the cognitive dysfunction symptoms can be downright terrifying.  And we lash out. He hurt the one we love. We try to "reason" in our head, try to make sense of our action or decisions, but the reality is this disease will fuck your mind up physically as well as psychologically.

My BEST solution to you, is to find a separate support network, like a couple or even just one real life friend or family member (real life person, not these forums), who completely understands your condition and will be there for you when the self doubts threaten everything. They will be on call for you, waiting with a cup of coffee or a brewski at their place or yours or the cafe, ready to listen to you and to KEEP REMINDING YOU why your love and relationship for this girl are so important for your well being.

Ive been fortunate to have such a support network. I just never had the bravery to utilize them when needed. AND YOU MUST BE BRAVE. You can bet its insanely difficult, especially if you are POISed out, to approach someone for help or support. But your happiness is worth it my friend. Believe that.

I wish you the best, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers ;)

I completely agree Defsync. I will do all I can to make things work and work with her. Very personal, I would rather not say more on the forum- and usually do not feel like that. And would rather talk about me than us because it is so sensitive for myself and her. I may actually take the post down.

Thank you guys for the support. You understand the issues very well in relationship challenges.

I agree that I need a support network different from currently. It is not working to the best of it's abilities. 
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2014, 04:38:48 PM »
It's over. Friends. With a non-committal possibility of the future if I get 100% better. We had dreams, hopes, aspirations; smashed. This wouldn't happen if I didn't have this; I just know that. We love each other too much, and do.   

I damaged this wonderful girl with this illness. 8yrs over. My first everything. Now she is frightened, panic attacks, depressed, feels responsible for my pain. I hurt her. She is now in therapy, multiple programs due to the trauma of dealing with the pain of my illness. The aggression, the pain, the dysfunction in life. The array of effects became just too much this yr. This thing hurt her and made me dysfunctional for a time. She has trouble talking to me now. I knew this could happen with this. It was all worth it though, every minute of pain and pleasure. We must accept the pain with the pleasure with this thing and life is appreciated more but this, tainting someone else, is horrific to me. We know the hell this can be, but others don't until they feel that hell themselves. Which I think she is now.

I don't ever want another person. I can never hurt another person like that again. Never will. It's simply too much pain and not worth it unless I am healthy. I cannot become aroused anymore. I'm 28yrs old. Symptoms are extreme and don't necessarily relate to sex at all anymore. Everything. It's too much. If I get better it will take a long time to find someone, but I hope she will still want to try things again... We will see, I doubt she will but remain hopeful. 

We need to cure this horrible illness. It has drained so many emotionally to the point of empty shells for yrs. How many men actually have this and cannot say a word, are clueless what it is, commit-suicide... How many boys? We just don't know. I would guess about 1mil at least with varying degrees of symptoms. That is arbitrary but who knows...

My family is drained, my girlfriends family. Everyone. This is very serious and can/will destroy lives even if it may not be fatal. Doctors need understand the gravity of this. I have had 3 suicide attempts in last yr. That is fatal and a threat to life as far as I am concerned.  But no one knows. My cardiac symptoms vary and could be dangerous, especially if I was older. But I have reigned them in, gained control, no one else. I am in great shape and young so my body can handle it. I am lucky. If I was not, who knows. I am winning; fuck this illness.

This is hell, pure hell. My dreams are smashed with her. This is hell. You cannot, should not negate these realities. I am warning everyone here, observers and suffers. These symptoms can get so extreme they are completely out of control physically and mentally and a treat to every bit of your health. I did have threatening cardiac symptoms which are better now, I lost 35lbs in a yr and am 155lb at 6ft 2in.  Skin pealed off and bled because of such extreme rashes. Rectal bleeding. Vomiting. Fainting at times. Tooth fell out. I am doing oodles better on the anti-seizure med, but wow, these things are very physical, mind/body. In fact I can lift weights, run, wk outside. I am an athlete and grateful for that. I have run 19min 5ks with this shit and on no meds in the past. If I wasn't such an athlete and so young what do those physical symptoms look like?  Be very careful. I have had this my whole sexual maturity since age 12 and it was always continuous/extreme but it can/will always get worse if not tended to. People see nothing wrong with me now, and am attractive and in good shape but slightly underweight for my liking, but it can be seen if it gets bad. They just see that I have lost weight due to extreme symptoms with food.

This can/will look similar to a bipolar-person with schizo-typal, delusional symptoms, severe OCD; which increase 100 times upon orgasm and brutal physical symptoms if it is extreme and unmanaged or just gets outta control. You try to live with that, and tell me it was her fault. It's this disease. And it is a disease. Try to control your libido and when and how you have an orgasm for your entire life. You cannot take the personal responsibility you need to when things get to this pt and need meds but (only anti-seizure wk on me). The ironic thing is I am actually doing better but not where I need to be to be healthy and if in a relationship, very healthy. I cannot have an orgasm except for maybe every month right now. I exercise everyday, have tried the niacin, the desense, eat healthy, work, going back to school, meditate, breathing exercises for hrs before I sleep, socialize every day, supplements, most everything ppl try on here except hormones. Nothing will wk except for time, powerful anti-seizure meds and a very strict regiment of these things. I am unresponsive to these things and becoming unresponsive to the powerful meds after being on them for 12yrs. You try to live with me. My attitude is shit because I have never had a "normal" orgasm, only pain and have only shared that with one person in a wonderful way. But now since I don't feel love, I cannot feel anything but emptiness and pain attached to sexual trauma and cannot get aroused for weeks now. And I hope that this new study produces but cannot put all of my eggs in that basket to be disappointed time and again. Empty, completely empty and alone again.

I am stable, wking, very stable. But, relationships are a complete no go. I will not share this burden again unless I am better. It is irresponsible at this pt. after what I have seen it can do to someone who cannot tolerate/endure extreme pain/dysfunction for long periods of time like myself because I have known how to deal with it since a very young age. Kids should not have to do this. It is like being raped/tormented by your own body every time. That needs to change. We cannot even say that we have this, because we are so ashamed around other ppl. They need to open there minds and help us too. Sex is basic. We are animals. Food which also produces symptoms for me is basic. Sleep basic, symptoms if I do not enough or quite literally laying in the wrong position. Cold, symptoms. Hot symptoms. Sometimes the way I sit... I have become so hypersensitive and numb at times, I feel way to much or nothing at all. What do I have left but me and my ability to keep going because I know I can and will. I must appreciate the simple things and live, because I want to. I love life, but it does not love me back. I am so fucking mentally strong it is unreal. She broke and I do not blame her one bit. I almost did numerous times this yr. and picked myself up and got better, to this pt where I can share and live again. I'm still here though goddammit! Not going anywhere, and I will get better, because that is what I want and must do. I will have children. I will have a wife and the picket fence. All of that. But I cannot do all of that unless I can control these symptoms better which I cannot without proper treatment. Sex is intolerable now even if I could get aroused. 3.5wks abstianing now with myself.... 2.5months with a her. Like I said, no one gets to see this shit show again but me. For a man of my age and sexual drive to do that is bizarre, but I can because life has left me with few options right now. Orgasms are hell, I don't want them if I could get aroused. My body is always in a hyper-state of arousal, why would I want sex. I just need to be loved for who I am, but this is simply unacceptable in that kind of intimacy  to cause that level of pain for someone else just to feel that time and again. It was worth it, it was, but again would not be unless I am well.

Lets do this guys keep searching for answers, supporting each other, encouraging to the docs to get in gear; because lives are being destroyed now. Yes, it may be rare, but let me tell you something; I saw a close family member die in my home last year and that was very similar to the  amount of pain this has created for myself, my girlfriend and family. They have been helping me get better for yrs without knowing this is POIS but understanding there was something physical and mental as a result of whatever. They are exhausted as am I. My family member was terminally ill for 1yr and then died. It was horrific. But this shit is a different beast in it's extreme. I don't want to hear bullshit about this not killing us. If you are emotionally dead, in constant physical pain, traumatized and constantly doing everything you can with little to no results people get hurt and lose hope. That can be as bad as the pain a death brings in it's extreme. Losing hope is not good. You lose hope and you cannot help yourself and others in the ways we all need. Do not lose hope even if others give up on you. I am here and kicking, screaming this. We are here, we are suffering badly and we need help. I will do everything in my power to get better and continue to tell ppl.

I hope this new study/treatment pans out. If not we will and should line up another one ASAP so that there is something else to hope for.  There needs to be more hope. All of our eggs in one basket is too much. Not that I don't have faith in the treatment, yet contingency plans are a good strategy too. I always thought things would wk out with this girlfriend and she was just as certain. Nothing is certain in life as I learned long ago with POIS. So, that being said this new treatment is not certain and we should plan something now, so that if it doesn't wk out we can do this in our lifetime or at least the nxt 10-20yrs.

Happy trails guys. Keep the hope alive. Persevere. Love yourself and share it if someone is lucky enough to have you.

I will always love her.

But, I love me. Love you now. Love yourself very hard even if you cannot make love to yourself the way we all need. :)
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Labyrinth

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 160
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2014, 04:58:08 PM »
Why did you damaged your relationship !? For sure i believe that every broken. Thing can be fixed , but why you did that !?
POIS of 10 yrs now

FloppyBanana

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 336
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2014, 06:44:50 PM »
Hey Andy,

Thanks for your sharing. I believe I know what your going through, to a certain extent. I'm 38 and I have what I believe to be a severe version of POIS (7-10 day episodes). I have had POIS for for 26 years. Progesterone changed my life. It seems to work for some people. You only need to it take when you have an O then for 4 days after, in my case (which is more than the person in Dr Dexters medical paper). I recently went on holiday and forgot to take the progesterone. You guessed it.......shot my gun on my last day in a wet dream and it was 24 hours until I could take the meds when I returned back on the plane. I'm in danger of having a wet dream when I don't O for about two months. Longest I have gone is four months without O.

Well it was a very challenging experience to say the least. 1) I remembered just how difficult it is to manage POIS without any meds and disbelief how I made it through 24 years without any meds. 2) This is the weird bit...because I did not take meds within 24 hours of O I had to take it as soon as I could. POIS did actually go away as soon as I took two tablets BUT after taking med for four days I stopped. BIG MISTAKE. 5 days after having O a POIS cycle started in full power. Holly sh*t it was so painful. So what I realised from this experience is that progesterone can at worst put POIS in hibernation and at best when taken early can prevent POIS nearly completely. So what I experienced was 1 day of POIS then 4 days no POIS then 9 days of extreme POIS. It just went 2 days ago. In fact I was in tears at one point during these nine days because the pain from POIS was so unbearable.

I'm not making an advertisement for progesterone but I can't imagine life without it now. I only O perhaps once every month or 3 weeks. After taking progesterone for nearly a week it takes about a week for testosterone levels to bounce back to a healthy level. I take fenugreek to help push testosterone back up but I don't know if it actually makes a difference.

I met a new partner and I told her about my condition excluding advising that it is triggered by ejaculation. She just knows I have had these extremely painful 7 day episodes and now after 24 years I can take a drug which fixes it. She's going to have to know the full details at some point. I don't do sex before marriage (hasn't always been the case) so I'm looking just for meaningful powerful love. I'm actually quite at peace with myself about it. (I don't mean to come across smug here Andy). I have another trick up my sleeve which is a powerful penis balm which enables me to ride for hours without shooting. So, if my partners has a reasonable sex drive I know I can saticfy her without POIS attacking me. So I would only plan to shoot once a month when she is fertile. Doctor advised me in my previous marriage I should be able to have sex 6 times when wife is fertile. That is totally out of the question so making a baby (should I marry my new partner) may take a while and I may have to go for IVF treatment to speed things up.

I hope this sharing is useful to someone out there.
FloppyB
« Last Edit: October 24, 2014, 02:28:52 AM by FloppyBanana »
30 years of POIS. Mytelase after O with Iceman breathing technique.

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2014, 12:34:24 AM »
Social dissonance- I cannot express myself. I feel no love. No one wants to hear what I have to say. I was quiet with this for so many yrs and now I cannot shut up, yet do not know how to express myself appropriately sometimes. What has happened to me? Confusion. Utter confusion and depression is what I feel, trying to latch on to someone, something. I want to say, "look at me, I am good, I can do things." But it appears I am an asshole. I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. This break-up broke me in many ways. I knew who I was, exactly what I wanted. Since age 19, my entire adult life with this girl. Just not worth it anymore. Just not worth it. Hurt. Very hurt.

I want me to be well. I am hurting, bad. POIS with this break-up has confused me. I am growing quiet again. Fearful to speak. Nothing to say. Confusion sets in. Perhaps this is just another derivation of my narcissistic self validation connected to POIS. Maybe I just need to hear me speak up. I was quiet for too long and now I just am not, but I am not OK.  This shit is not OK. POIS, not being accepted by the person you love most- none of it is OK. Confusion. I love her. I know she loves me. Confusion. She always accepted it, now it is not OK. I am not OK. This is the hardest time I have ever had. I must work, persevere and love self. I feel robotic, empty. I am trying to get it all out but there is so much I cannot speak anymore. Too much now, just too much. Overwhelmed with emotions. Hurt. Unable to feel pleasure. Life is grey, so grey. Who am I? Confusion. Just confusion. I just go now. Eat, work, bathroom, eat, work more, pray, drive, play chess, watch birds, write, push-ups, talk, talk some more, eat, bathroom, sleep, lay and stare, sleep, lay and stare, sleep. No love though, no love. Alone, so alone. Meds do not give you happiness, neither do my friends, nor family, or any of these things. Why can I only feel it with her. And she is just gone, doesn't want to talk. I don't think I do anymore either. But my writing will not stop. She silenced me, I will not stick that fucking sock in it! What happened to our love. What happened?

Is this POIS? Is this me? What part of me is POIS? Why is it part of me? What the hell is POIS? No one knows... There are no answers, no control. That is why I have OCD, no control over basic things. It's maladaptive. And now very little love. This is what happens when I am silenced... I can not shut the up.  She stole my heart, ripped it out, burned it while she told me to be quiet; apparently it was about her. Then she pickled me and put me on the night stand. Why? She just goes on with her day and pretends nothing happened. What the fuck happened? I feel so much now. At the beginning she followed me.... Now I follow her. No more. I am going to do this. Do what? Win? be successful? get better? By what measure? I have no idea... Just not here anymore. I am a shell of my former self spilling emotion everywhere. The love goes on the page here. This is my love now... Is this what I did to her? Lay it all out? What happened?

I need to get it all out guys, no one wants to hear it. I cannot lay this shit on my family or anyone. It is mine. But anyone on here with this may understand the loss and love I am talking about. I am just pouring thoughts out. That is all.

Love sucks. I do not like it anymore, especially with this illness.
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2014, 12:50:04 AM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

Exactly how it when down....

"Somebody That I Used To Know"
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

Andy451

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 163
  • Connect & Fight :)
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2014, 01:09:01 AM »
I have taken it upon myself to make this tread my personal, very public journal about the pain that a lost relationship can cause.

The fact that I have POIS is besides the point here. There are countless, people in the world who experience loss and heartbreak. In my case, that pain may be amplified due to the nature of this syndrome, yet is understood by most.

I have hope that one day, I will make things work with this wonderful girl as does she. She is apprehensive and understands the brutal nature of what is happening/has happened to me. I always knew this could happen from day one, but need to try to make a relationship work with this, because she was worth it, and still is. Yet, when you sacrifice your health to please another and possibly functionality, the situation becomes hazy and difficult for all. She cannot do this while I am in the throws of POIS anymore. I understand, things can be severe, scary and partners may end up feeling guilt/responsible for our pain after a period of time. In a sense, she is right, she cannot continue to feel my level of pain and see me decline related to sex and intimate love. It is pure brutality for her as well, especially after 8yrs and with the severity that I do experience symptoms sometimes. All it takes is arousal with her, because she turns me on so much. This is all I know. I know how to deal with it better than she can ever learn to, it will break her, but may never break me. I understand. She can not live in dysfunction, sacrifice everything just for me. I can though because that is who I am. I do not expect that extreme viewpoint of her though.

I have had time to process all of this over the last wk. It has been hard, yet the pieces are starting to fit again. I feel empowered, like I am 18 again, and I know exactly what I need to do and how to get it. I needed this. To abstain for 3wks, maybe months and become whole again. I know how to do this. It is muscle memory from a time when I had no one. A child with POIS who knew how to do it because I had to. And now I have to again, and I am 28. It is time. My time. Just for me, and no one else. Not for anyone else ever again. Even if she comes back, this is for me. I will always love her and likely make any sacrifice needed, but if I do sacrifice my health via-POIS again I will hurt us both and will not do that. That is not OK. How can I explain this in terms that makes sense to people without POIS?

Imagine, every time you had sex, your emotions rampaged in every direction imaginable, body felt as though it was attacking you and did strange painful things that were constant and relentless, confusion set in, you became socially different all of the sudden, felt traumatized from yourself, numbness, self was a shadow of it's former shape, more tired than you have ever been, ever and wanted to crawl in the fetal position and die. That is POIS, that is POIS. Would you want to have sex again? Or share that with anyone?

I shared that with this girl, because she was worthy of it. Her love was/is immense. She is everything to me and always will be. My motivation even still. She is everywhere. I cannot describe the love I feel for her in words that make any kind of sense. I dream of her, then awake and think of her. And do it all over again. I do many things in a day, everyday, yet she is always there despite not dating in 2months. I have never felt this with anything, and I love chess, my family, birding, many things... This is an entirely different beast, which there is no comparison.

Now, I cannot share orgasm with myself after the break-up. It is strange, there is no desire or even arousal. Very strange. Even when I do try to become aroused, all I think about is her, then poof I cannot because she is not there. When I was 20, I lost my virginity to her, and she to I. Before that I couldn't share sex with anyone ever because of the POIS symptoms, yet she was worth it. She is worth it. Now, like that teenager I cannot share that with anyone, there is no desire to. Even if I do become aroused, mentally, without that kind of love, her love, there is no one worth anything to me in that way because of the attachment I have related to the shift in my ability to share sex. She not only took my virginity, she made POIS OK to share with someone. But, now since my POIS is not OK for her to experience anymore, I cannot share it anymore again. I just cannot. This is not a conscious thing anymore. When I was 12 and first experienced my own sexuality, I told myself that it was not OK to ever share these things with anyone because of the brutal symptoms of POIS I had experienced. She changed that, only her. Now that she is gone. I just cannot. I feel young again, it is strange.

Maybe one day, I will have her back and she will have me, how she needs me. I hope. Maybe I will be able to share this with another. I don't want to, I want her but, if I must, I also hope as well. That just doesn't feel right at all though. I feel as though she feels some of what I do too w/ the attached value to the POIS symptoms. Because that is all she knows as well. What did I do to her. Oh god. If I don't get good enough where I can function and have sex again, I hope she can have sex functionally with another with thinking of my pleasure and trauma in the back of her mind. But then again, I do feel what I experience is so extreme sometimes, it is a gift. Something to savor and really appreciate for the depths of emotion, pleasure and pain I can experience.  I just don't know. Perhaps I am attaching value, to something that simply is not understood. My love is beautiful, my sex beautiful. If you cannot handle it, get the fuck outta the kitchen :). But I hope at this pt I can temper that so that it is more manageable, more normal, whatever that means.This is me. Am I POIS? No. But can I separate my psycho-sexual identity from it at this pt? No. I cannot. We are now part of each other. And she can see that. Oh no, she can see that. She sees me and got scared, very scared. No one has ever seen all of me like that before. The good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly. I am grateful. She sees all of me finally. I love her more now.

I was 12, 12. I am 28. Most of my life. This has been me. All of my sexual identity after puberty, I have POIS. POIS is a huge part of my sexual identity. I hope I can get rid of it or learn to love it. Learning to love POIS.... What a strange concept. Can it be done? Can we get rid of it?

In the mean time. I am loving life, music, chess, work, people, anything I can. Because I have so much love to give. She is missing out. She is. She will know it one day. But she needs this. This break up for her. She needs her right now. And I need me again. Finally this is me. I did need me again friends. They are always right. Learn that and you have learned about 20% of all you can in life. That special woman in your life is always right even when she is not. This is true because she knows what she needs even if you are clueless. Sometimes what she needs is exactly what you need, because she makes you happy even if you are her carpet to walk on; although lets hope it's not that extreme unless you like that kinda thing. You must abide by this and not swim against the current; it is futile. I am learning, POIS or no POIS, do not swim against the current, go with the damn flow. I have POIS and I am beautiful and will love me the the way I need it, sex or no sex. That is me. And I am OK with me. In fact I love me. Now go love you!

Love you hard! The sex will come. It will. Do it when you can. There is no rush. It is what it is.

I love her so much but,

I love you all. 
28 yo M- POIS for 16yrs (since age 12). Chronic POIS- always there

Tried desensitization for 1.5yrs & was unsuccessful (POIS worse at 1/1000)

 Exercising- (running/light weights/situps/yoga) Ice my perineum. Gluten-free. Supplements- limited success.Meds- Oxcarbazepine/Buspar (past-Depakote10yrs)

vamerty

  • Guest
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2015, 04:27:17 AM »
OP you have to do what makes you happy in life and if taking a break makes you happy then do it.

Miyagi

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2017, 04:11:52 AM »
Deep and intimate monologue from a victim of POIS. Reading this makes me fear for my own relationship of 3 years, since I feel I'm not focussing on myself enough. Should I endure POIS for the sake of our love, or should I let her go free for the same.

Sex is just too important in a young couples relationship. I asked her for space once, me-time, but during those 3 weeks I ended up maturbating. FUCK! When there's so much at stake why can't I be disciplined in this? How much destruction is needed before I can calmly abstain.

Sometimes I wish I had joined the army, then perhaps I wouldn't have so many temptations, and most importantly I would learn proper self-discipline.

A life with POIS is one with so much pain and regret. I don't think anyone can come out of this unchanged. It is traumatising enough that we become mentally and emotionally unstable.

How do you know when to break off a relationship? Personally I'm thinking of taking drastic/psychotic measures to help me abstain. Perhaps I should cut myself each time I orgasm by choice, then maybe seeing all those cuts (on my belly maybe?) will kill my labido and hopefully my gf's labido too. I feel that merely thinking of/predicting the symptoms of pois are not enough to ensure absolute abstinence. Something more harsh is needed. But then the outcome could be totally different from what I hope. I would in all likelihood be labeled a psycho and mentally unstable, but hey, if I'm in an asylum I can't really have sex, can I? Jail might be a bad idea though, with all the anal rape whose to say I'll be free from POIS.

Seriously though, in some of my more terrible bouts of POIS I feel destructive, and once I even considered joining ISIS or some other terrorist group. I mean a gun doesnt care if you have pois or not. I'd say terrorism is the perfect career for someone with POIS.

I fear for us. With the type of thoughts we have, I think it's likely many will die at the hands of POIS. But the worst part is, even if I killed hundreds of people and gave myself up, I would never be diagnosed with a "sexual disorder", since it's unthinkable that sex would make someone violent. The world won't believe you. I can't think of anything worse than the world rejecting you and your disease and a figment of a psycho's imagination.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2017, 04:13:39 AM by MiY4Gi »

certainlypois2

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 307
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2017, 05:46:54 PM »
Deep and intimate monologue from a victim of POIS. Reading this makes me fear for my own relationship of 3 years, since I feel I'm not focussing on myself enough. Should I endure POIS for the sake of our love, or should I let her go free for the same.

Sex is just too important in a young couples relationship. I asked her for space once, me-time, but during those 3 weeks I ended up maturbating. FUCK! When there's so much at stake why can't I be disciplined in this? How much destruction is needed before I can calmly abstain.

Sometimes I wish I had joined the army, then perhaps I wouldn't have so many temptations, and most importantly I would learn proper self-discipline.

A life with POIS is one with so much pain and regret. I don't think anyone can come out of this unchanged. It is traumatising enough that we become mentally and emotionally unstable.

How do you know when to break off a relationship? Personally I'm thinking of taking drastic/psychotic measures to help me abstain. Perhaps I should cut myself each time I orgasm by choice, then maybe seeing all those cuts (on my belly maybe?) will kill my labido and hopefully my gf's labido too. I feel that merely thinking of/predicting the symptoms of pois are not enough to ensure absolute abstinence. Something more harsh is needed. But then the outcome could be totally different from what I hope. I would in all likelihood be labeled a psycho and mentally unstable, but hey, if I'm in an asylum I can't really have sex, can I? Jail might be a bad idea though, with all the anal rape whose to say I'll be free from POIS.

Seriously though, in some of my more terrible bouts of POIS I feel destructive, and once I even considered joining ISIS or some other terrorist group. I mean a gun doesnt care if you have pois or not. I'd say terrorism is the perfect career for someone with POIS.

I fear for us. With the type of thoughts we have, I think it's likely many will die at the hands of POIS. But the worst part is, even if I killed hundreds of people and gave myself up, I would never be diagnosed with a "sexual disorder", since it's unthinkable that sex would make someone violent. The world won't believe you. I can't think of anything worse than the world rejecting you and your disease and a figment of a psycho's imagination.

Cutting yourself will scare your girlfriend not reduce  her libido or yours. Dont do something that you will regret or possible give a host of other symptoms you have to deal with along with pois. Try to be stronger than that, there is still hope and frankly there are worse things than pois maybe you should watch some youtube videos on those to give some perspective.   You guys need to talk and come to a happy medium for when to have sex.
There was someone here who said get control of his masturbation through yoga Meditation. He went from 3 times a day to weekly.
I control myself by blocking out all sources of porn on the internet.
Have you tried a lot of the remedies here, maybe you can find something that can  help you  increase  your orgasm frequency by reducing your recovery time and symptoms.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2017, 08:11:23 PM by certainlypois2 »

COLM_2

  • Global Moderator
  • Jr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 90
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2017, 03:25:00 AM »
Looking back over Andy451's forum post of 2014, and your further post Miy4GI, it brings out the horror that many here have experienced in the past, and continue to do so.

A lot of us here who have lived with this, can relate to the emotions being expressed here, including the damage that POIS inflicts on particularly the younger guys, who very naturally struggle to control the most natural need to be with their partner and to express normal sexuality.

What the forum provides is a great environment to share experiences and express the impact on you. Knowing you aren't alone can help.

As with CP2 contribution, there's also a lot of people here who want to help and support, are living proof that with time and effort, managing POIS can be achieved, and there is a brighter future.

All the best,
Colm
« Last Edit: March 04, 2017, 03:27:02 AM by COLM_2 »
Formerly user COLM (previous username accidentally deleted). Few decades with POIS.

trusttheprocess

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 42
Re: I love my GF
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2017, 11:35:39 PM »
The stories in this thread represent some of the most tragic parts of POIS, and although there are many horrifying aspects to POIS, I think the worst challenge this disease presents is limiting the frequency of orgasm.  I'm sure everyone is familiar with the feeling of deep regret after masturbating, and MiY4Gi captured my thoughts exactly, "When there's so much at stake why can't I be disciplined in this? How much destruction is needed before I can calmly abstain"?

I'm think it is important not to be too hard on yourself, as I think elevated levels of histamine plays a role in the onset of POIS, and because of this I think we are more drawn to sex.  The following paragraph describes one of the characteristics of a histadelic, someone who has abnormally high levels of histamine, "The high libido of the histadelic seems bound to set them up for trouble. Being loyal to one mate is a big order for someone who is addicted to the joys of sex. I have had clients who describe their compulsion to pick up a prostitute, or cruise porno bookstores and peep shows, as being a part of their regular activities. They claim this addiction is not unlike alcohol or drugs, which seems to build up, the longer they try to abstain. Finally, there is a period of binging on these activities. Others simply have multiple affairs." (http://www.joanmathewslarson.com/HRC_2006/Depression_06/D_roller_coaster.htm)

Personally I have had a lot of trouble abstaining, I think the longest I ever made it was three weeks, and any time I got stressed I would have an NE and it was back to day 1.  I'm astonished that a lot of people can abstain regularly, but then again I'm still young.  A lot of the times after I had an NE I took a day or two break from abstinence and that would just destroy my body for like a week so I stopped trying to abstain and started looking for a way to treat POIS.  Now that I have a good list of supplements for that, I've been having an orgasm like 2-3 times a week, but my body has been sending me signals for weeks now that I can't keep that up so I have come up with a new plan.

I have been using a porn blocker like certainlypois2, but even with that I would just go around it at times.  Lately I've been trying to learn a new programming language, so I made a program that would be impossible to get around and figured I would share it if anyone else has this problem.  I also added a way to track your supplements since I have so many I can't keep track of them any more.  You put in your supplement name, pills left, pill capacity, and how many you take then it tracks how many pills are left and plots this for all supplements to know when you should considering reordering (comes with my supplements to show the format of the excel/csv file, you can use this list for suggestions but DO NOT TAKE ALL OF THEM).  After you confirm how many pills you are taking, a timer starts and the program spits out my k9 (porn blocker) password, the only place I have it saved, after an hour to give the pills time to metabolize.  The program will only run once a week (Sunday - Saturday).  I haven't tested it too much, it should work on windows (although it will take 10-20 seconds because it must load dozens of python modules for the data and graphing).  I've attached the source code if you want to make modifications or run on other platforms, but the windows program can be found here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/0lupwj3h0wwmiyu/lock.zip?dl=0
Edit: Changed the program so it will run this week
« Last Edit: March 14, 2017, 03:27:03 PM by trusttheprocess »