My POIS dissappears when I gently massage my GF (no joke)

[polarized]

Ok here's a headscratcher
About 2 months ago I started giving massages to my GF to experiment and learn about the craft of massages (I guess it's also a cute couple thing to do). And about 3 sessions in I noticed that when I go slowly, focus on the gentle tactile feeling in my hands, breath calmly and try to block the typical to me sexual tension I immediately start feeling far far better. It happened right when I was massaging her thighs and I was gloating in my mind at how awesome her buttocks look like - I felt a sense of calmness like never before.

Suddenly my body felt cooler, I could handle the tactile sensations much more (usually I feel an insane pressure in me which results in erections and arousal), my mind become clear, my sense of smell returned, my guts felt less bloaty and etc. What was really interesting, that when we went to bed that day, I felt much more calm and pleasant during spooning and general hugging. As if I learned to relax my body and mind about having a physical contact with another person.

Usually when I had physical contact with women and this was the way since my first ever girlfriend - my body and mind were in insane tension which resulted in immediate erection and general feeling of being on fire (not to mention the ever present POIS symptoms). When I was little I couldn't really handle even a cat being friendly and going around my legs while smearing itself against my skin (this even gave me erections when I was around 10 years old). Come to think of it, I was always very very sensitive to touch, hugging, snuggling, kissing - I would immediately feel overwhelmed (much more then I would see other people).

But it gets better. It works every goddamn time ever since - like clockwork. And it gets better over time. The only thing I'm doing is mentally blocking any of the tension related to physical contact that I had since child while having slow physical contact with my GF's body. Basically it's like I'm trying to sort of depersonalize her body and feel it more as it is - not as an object of desire, or an object to have tension from - more like a lump of meat but which gives great pleasure and relaxation.

benefits for the last 2 months?

- have hours of time being free of POIS (it returns if I get stressed or I just wake up the next day)
- better sleep, no reflux feelings, better appetite, calmer, more focused, better sense of smell
- ability to calmly hug my girlfriend, female faces and bodies seem more beautiful to me now, I feel much better socially when talking to people
- even touching myself feels so much nicer

I wondered if I could sort of translate this new skill of being able to handle physical contact with other living being into sex. And oh my god yes! Two days ago I attempted slow controlled sex and oh my god it's like I had a different penis - everything felt so perfect, every tactile sensation coming from my penis felt so awesome like never before. I didn't finish sex because I got very heated because of how I was excited. It felt like sex finally felt really good and exciting.

But even arousal is different. It felts kind of nice - when I see a fine looking lady it brings me a great sense calmness and aesthetic experience. I don't really remember having these experiences. Arousal was always this in your face, very heated, overwhelming kind of thing - since the first time I got to see a porn-mag as a kid.

Is POIS just some weird inability to handle physical contact with living beings which fries the sexual circuitry and makes it go bananas??

I really need to attempt sex again to check if I can have POIS FREE SEX and orgasm with partner like some people described.

[Laotzu1980]

There are a few things happening here. You are becoming totally present with your girlfriend in those moments, becoming mindful, which is essentially meditation. You are entirely focused on what you are doing, the tactile sensations, visual sense perceptions of your girlfriend, and so on, and all your senses are fully engaged, and whenever you do this you are in the 'mindful' state, and will feel much better, and the impact of mindfulness on the body is enormous - which is why they are doing all kinds of studies on monks at the moment to see what goes on in their brains and bodies.

The second thing is probably the chemicals released in your brain by feeling connection, and love. Humans are programmed to want to feel that connection.

Combined, both of these things can potentially have a huge impact on POIS. I am one of the worst POIS sufferers here, and whenever I am on meditation retreat, and meditate for several hours at a time, my body is such a state that I experience literally no POIS. Contrast that with barely being able to even step outside during POIS. It is, in my opinion, the most understudied prevention and treatment of so many conditions.
Unfortunately we cannot always help being in that meditative state; the mind does its own thing, but we can practice.

That's my perspective anyway, others may think you're a bit crazy and dismiss what you're saying, but I see truth in it.

[berlin1984]

I also see truth in it.
Before I joined the forum, the topic "vagus nerve" was very common (from search function).. Could be very related.
Also topics "meditation", "breathing" etc

I don't think it is "weird inability to handle physical contact with living beings", it's just chemical/physical things happening in your body that have a good or bad effect.

[polarized]

There are a few things happening here. You are becoming totally present with your girlfriend in those moments, becoming mindful, which is essentially meditation. You are entirely focused on what you are doing, the tactile sensations, visual sense perceptions of your girlfriend, and so on...

I'm definitely not meditating. I'm blocking the usual sensations I get when I am in physical contact with a woman. Something happens after that and I can feel new pleasant feelings which either weren't there or were masked by what am I blocking. It's like I'm able to switch between 2 modes of operation - one incredibly stressed, the other one calmer. Blocking I mean like when you hit your toe on something and you're mentally blocking the pain.

It absolutely seems like an inner incredible tension from physical contact that's messing up my life. As far as I can remember it I always had it - now I fight it and it improves my wellbeing so much it's incredible.

[Laotzu1980]

"when I go slowly, focus on the gentle tactile feeling in my hands, breath calmly and try to block the typical to me sexual tension I immediately start feeling far far better. It happened right when I was massaging her thighs and I was gloating in my mind at how awesome her buttocks look like - I felt a sense of calmness like never before."

Your mind slows down as you "go slowly", and you give your mind's full attention to the various sense perceptions of massaging your girlfriend (tactile/touch, visual, etc). This, is mindfulness, no different to meditation. On top of that, you are becoming aware of your breathing ("breath calmer"), which is in itself a form of meditation. Several members in this forum have actually reported that "breath work", whether as meditation, Wim Hof, or whatever form, has either totally cured their POIS, or made them feel a lot better. Any form of meditation boosts the GABA, and has a profound impact on your physiology.

[polarized]

Dude, when I tell you I'm not meditating I'm not meditating. I'm blocking some automatic response of my body or mind maybe - what happens after that is purely automatic. I'm not trying to be aware of anything, the body does it itself and I find it interesting. 

I never had any success with meditation (been there, done that) or yoga. One thing interesting were alpha relaxations but who has time for that in our busy lives.

[Hopeoneday]

Dude, it is from massaging but 

[polarized]

Dude, it is from massaging but 

And how well it works !! I've touched the but of my gf many times (and other previous partners) in the past but I never tried this trick of blocking the usual feelings when I was touchinjg a person Ihad feelings for. The less I feel it's a known person the better - I imagine i'm touching a woman I don't yet know and I try to feel how bouncy the flesh is and how the skin is smooth (while trying hard not to get aroused). Freaky...

[polarized]

I was playing alot with arousal trying to reach orgasms with partner that were described as orgasms that did not give you POIS. As a matter of fact this weird phenomenon has been described in the very first replies in the POIS thread on thenakedscientists.com (a person claiming the more the sex he had was hot and steamy - more heartbeat before orgasm the less POIS it made).

And then it hit me. What if our arousal is somewhat started by too much adrenaline - stress or fear?. So I played around the issue and found out I can calm myself, block adrenaline with my mind when gentle arousal is about to come but I need to be very careful what I am getting aroused by. I need to have an exact image of person in my head, only going around her attractive features (nice looking face helps a lot) a bit and trying to calm myself as much as possible while trying to feel calm pleasure from arousal. If something is too sexy, too damn arousing it's not a good arousal material.

And voila, POIS immediately disappears if I do it correctly. It's finicky but I've done it 6 times during today and many times in the few weeks past. It takes a few minutes of concentration, imagination and on-demand stress blocking and suddenly you found out you can divorce the intense tension of stress and arousal. But POIS always resumes when I resume my life - especially If I get stressed, If I do too much physical work, if I play a demanding online game, if I get pissed at work, if something doesn't go as I planned. It comes back like a boomerang - it's THAT sensitive.

Now what the hell is reason for this reaction? Genetics? Learned behavior (this would be the best case scenario)?. I can remember as a young boy when I discovered PORN and feeling sexually aroused for the first time, I always had this reaction - too much stress somehow boosting or "infecting" arousal. This is no overmasturbation thing but it might be somehow linked to strong reaction to strong stimuli like PORN  . My penis also feels so great to the touch when I'm gently aroused - I almost moan when things go exactly right.

So yeah I can turn off POIS for a while any time now - by arousing myself while trying to mindfully block any excess stress/adrenaline. Finicky, but doable. Long term effects? My guts and my stomach act differently - defecation is harder now. Also I can feel stress building up in me over time - it only slowly gets released during sleep. So in general I don't feel much better, only moments right after arousing myself "properly" but then it slowly falls to baseline.