Hi guys,
I can't express how much relief I've had with finding this forum.
I have not been officially diagnosed with Schizophrenia, I only have a psychosis diagnosis, however my psychiatrist wanted to see if they were going to diagnose me with Schizophrenia back in 2019 but I turned 25 4 days after that meeting with her, and in the UK the crisis mental health team has to discharge you when you turn 25 years old.
Right, so Im not sure where to begin, theres so much experiences that are starting to make way more sense now.
In 2015, I started to have many changes in my personality and having odd beliefs etc, I never realised this since recently but they happened at the exact same time as ejaculations would make me a bit tired, I researched nofap/semen retention a bit but at that time honestly the POIS wasn't too bad. Despite feeling low and tired with masturbation, I kept doing it, at the time I was finishing my university degree, I was also smoking a lot of weed. Few months pass, I finish my degree, at this time the mental illness was not too bad, then I return to my parents and its the summer and I have nothing to do, so I ended up smoking even more weed, and masturbating even more. One night, I was already a bit delusional at this point, I smoked went back home and just tried to ejaculate the biggest load possible, and the next day I was full blown psychotic, like actual hearing voices etc (I still was conscious enough to realise those voices came from my imagination, it was just thoughts that I had no control over and I could communicate with). I just wanna point out, since that day I have never ever felt this psychotic since, thank God!
When POIS started , I started doing the opposite of Warrior's protocol and started eating less animal products, my appetite was very low, and in hindsight that really didn't help.
A few months pass, I move to my brother, and realise 'eating healthy' is bullshit, all those plants and raw fruits/veg/fermented veg, etc... didnt help me out on the long run, so I end up eating a lot of junk food that at least contained meat and enough calories and I start to recover slowly. I ended up going back to my parents' house and was really irritated, at this time I want to mention I was still masturbating, not sure how much my memory is obviously bad but I was still doing it. In december 2015, I ended up having the cops called on my by neighbours, got hospitalised, diagnosed with psychosis.
They gave me risperidone, 2mg first night and moved to 4mg a few days later. Now, the first night i took the 2mg, Its 11pm, Im in my room in the psych ward and I want to rub one out, thankfully the meds make my penis limp so I cant masturbate, I ended up recovering very fast and 2 weeks later im a different person and actually got released from the psych ward.
At that time, I was reluctant to take meds but also was convinced this mental illness was a biochemical imbalance/deficiency, I was sure some diet change or herb could 'heal' me. So I was convinced veganism was the right way of life, I ended up stopping meds a few months later. Fast forward to summer 2016, my friend invites me to Spain, we end up smoking weed and drinking alcohol every night, and on top of that its 30+Degrees outside and im masturbating most nights. Coming back to the UK, I legit felt like a zombie, felt like my body was close to death, 10 nights of partying every night till 5am and I feel like death, I wake up at 7am and feel like my heart is about to explode, for some god forsaken reason I decide to masturbate, thankfully It didnt make me feel too bad but I realise change is needed, and I go on a 4 months semen retention period. During that period, I still have the veganism delusions, but im eating fish and white meat (chicken, turkey), despite that my physical health is ok, I start doing loads of sport, I played football with high school friends twice in a row, the 2nd time I get picked first because apprently I 'run a lot on the pitch' (what a great compliment, never heard that one before). 0 psychotic symptoms, my psychiatrist notices how calmer I am, I only told her that I was doing tons of sports, and she said keep doing it its working good. In december 2016, I visit family in France, its been 4 months since I last ejaculated, Im eating way more meat at my family because im not going to say no to them, and I just completely utterly fucking relapse after I restarted masturbating. I end up starving myself a few days later, the whole shabang.
i go back to the UK, get hospitalised a few weeks later and im back to square 1. Not much happens in 2017, i ended up stopping meds but not relapsing, I lived in Spain for a while and felt great, moved to Paris and got suicidal within 4 days (probably something to do with weather/sunlight), moved back to my parents in early 2018. Thius whole time, Im not on meds but at least im doing not too bad, I wanted to go live on a farm, and I dont have the drive to organise the trip. Around february I ended up overmasturbating, reached rock bottom, and decide once more to go on nofap. This time, Im eating normally, and ALL my physical health symptoms disappear, I become motivated, im more future oriented than past oriented, I stop self-hate, and my thoughts become CAAAAAAAAAAAALM. So Calm, I even notice it myself, I noticed it in a coffee shop with my mom, I was like 'god damn my brain feels calm', I leave the shop and go back home, and get complimented on my looks by 2 girls on the street, it felt really really nice.
I ended up booking the trip to Costa Rica, contacted a farm owner etc, booked airbnbs and everything. Life is good, Im on the farm, its nice weather, im close to nature, im abstaining for 3 months, my body has never felt this muscular and strong, I legit felt like a bodybuilder, my entire back felt like there was a cushion of muscle. Everything is too good to be true, so you know where this is going, I end up masturbating once, I felt like shit the next day, a lot of lowerback pain, a bit of neuroticism but I recover quickly. The volunteers and owners are these kind of hippie-type of people so they are all vegetarians, I end up masturbating a couple times in the space of a week, and boom, I end up relapsing and starving myself/eating too 'healthy', no meat just raw herbs and fruits and vegs. I had to leave the farm earlier than expected because I felt like I was dying and couldn't work 5 hours.
During the time on the farm at the beginning, a lot of repressed memories came back and realised I had been delusional in the past, so upon going back to the UK I got hospitalised and agreed to take meds, I've been taking them ever since. During that hospital visit, I mentioned to the psychiatrist that masturbating was affecting me negatively, (that was our 1st meeting, when I was off meds), got put on meds the following monday, and our next meeting the fucking psychiatrist asked me if I still believed my thing about masturbating (as in, 'now you're more stable, do u still believe this delusion?'). Crazy right?
So its been 6 years on meds, I've started making sure I eat meat at every meal and focus on that aspect of my diet the most, I drank a lot of milk, I've never relapsed mentally (just small hiccups I giess) despite masturbating regularly. I still felt like death though, and EVERY SINGLE emotional and cognitive symptom listed in the symptom list on this forum, I suffer from, every single one of them, even the appetite disorder, even the dyslexia, even the autism-like symptoms. Obviously, I dont work, a looooot of the time Im bed ridden, I see waiters and people working physical jobs and just wonder how the fuck do they manage this. Im also very frustrated and irritable. The only times I did nofap since 2018, was when I travelled, I went to spain once and last october went to New York, and when I came back I abstained, the period in October, I legit felt amazing, I started hitting the gym and going on regular meeting with a career advisor because I felt capable and wanted to work. All that energy and motivation slowly went away when I reincorporated ejaculations in my life.
Just recently, my POIS symptoms weren't as bad, I was recuperating in 2 days (not fuilly obviously, but the lower back pain mostly). So I obviously took the opportunity to masturbate more, and then my brother visited from New York, and it was ramadan, so I kinda fasted with him the last 2 days, and us north africans the way we break the fast its only plant based foods, I felt like shit my stomach just felt like it was filled with air. And then one night, I masturbated twice and 'bigger' loads and fucking hell bros it felt like I was psychotic kinda, despite me being on meds.
I went on semenretention subreddit and found a post on POIS, I had already heard the term before, I knew of it but thought it wasn't that intense, and that it only affected the body not the mind and nervous sytem, and reading you guys' symptoms was really really really shocking/mind opening. It made me go through the last 9 years in my mind and realising theres always been a connection between ejaculations and mental health.
Whats the next step? well I need to control how much and when I release, and go on Warrior's protocol, because honestly meat, and especially beef, makes me feel amazing, when I don't eat beef for a week or two I will actually feel it. Btw, I don't plan to stop/reduce medications, at least until I see improvements and get approval from a psychiatrist, thank god im older and more mature now.
If you listen to Warrior's 6 year journey on youtube, I went through the same thing, except I believe I had weed in my life and also maybe was just more unstable to begin with. I've spoken to this whole thing about a close friend whos a GP and he said he never heard the condition but from his research he was very supportive and even told me he noticed minor symptoms himself from ejaculation. Im not sure when to approach my dad and mention it to him, I've sent an email to the career advisor asking to meetup to just talk because he was a great guy, I really have 0 support in my life right now, If I go see a doctor or psychiatrist I know they will use my condition against me and say I am delusioinal.
Thanks for reading, any input is appreciated.
