I had never thought about suicide in my life, despite having suffered from major or severe depression for more than a year and a half, from which I was cured, later I suffered from a slightly milder depression and was cured again. Last year, more than a year and a half ago I began to suffer from anxiety, at first you are sure that you suffer from some physical illness, something similar to depression, only that in anxiety the symptoms are real, it is not that you think you are It hurts, it hurts, even the cardiovascular symptoms are very real, so much so that they medicate you. I have always been against suicide, but in my particular case, I only found my anxiety, that is, almost everyone, family and friends turned their back on me, this coupled with a bad economic situation, the situation in my country Venezuela where health services are practically useless, I could not afford a psychiatrist, not even medicines, it is hard, by the end of last year they began to appear, or at least I noticed the symptoms of POIS, I came to pass days in bed without being able to get up, in January of this year apart from anxiety, it gives me depression, in addition to the POIS which I still did not imagine I had, I could not go to doctors or take tests. So my health situation has been deteriorating, worsening, and of course I am a coward, but if I did consider the possibility, sometimes I read articles about cases in countries where euthanasia is authorized and I consider myself entitled to receive it, because the suffering is big. Of course, I am sure that if I lived in Holland or Switzerland they would have already provided me with medical and psychiatric care. Here in Venezuela if a person has a heart attack and does not have someone to take him to an emergency room, where he will most likely also die, he has to stay lying in bed or where he is waiting for death because they are going to answer the phone, but they will tell you to try calling a neighbor to take you to a hospital because they don't have units. That stresses me out even more.
I have been fighting for months, taking the medicines I can, painkillers, taking natural medicines, plants, roots etc. Doing mindfulness, the Wim Hof method, decrees, prayers, etc, with the wim hof method I got to have many hopes and illusions, since the first week was excellent, so much so that I got to ejaculate and went for a walk every afternoon for half an hour as if nothing, but it is how it has stopped working, they have even given me some adverse effects, arrhythmia and pain in the chest and abdomen, woww, it is like they had poured me a bucket of cold water, but not in the wim method hof, I keep practicing it, but in the last few days I have felt very bad, I think that the anxiety is still present, coupled with the fact that it costs me too much to abstain, now more than after more than a year of having stopped taking benzos, it's like my orgasms have returned to normal, as I spent many years ejaculating without feeling anything at all. So having sex or masturbating for me is to feel the same thing that I felt at the beginning when I was a teenager.
I have faith that there must be a cure, I have read here testimonies of people who have improved or know of cases that have improved, we do not have terminal cancer or a psychiatric illness so serious that it gives us no hope of being cured, even so there are people with anxiety that they live like this all their lives, most of them medicated, even with this I even resist anxiety, but for me it is very difficult to fight alone and without resources so my thoughts sometimes waver because this is really desperate. To say that I really like to read, I do not speak English but I can read the posts in this forum with the translator, because it happens to me that it is difficult for me to read, I feel so bad that I start reading and I have to quit, well apart from problems concentration and understanding that I know are a consequence or symptom of POIS.
In case of having suicidal thoughts, look for support, look, in forums or anxiety groups, people usually write when it occurs to them, and together we support each other, it is normal sometimes to wake up talking with a perfect stranger, trying to encourage him not to do it, loneliness and lack of support are one of the main causes for a person to commit suicide. Best regards
