Author Topic: Will I die alone?  (Read 4107 times)

Neutral

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Will I die alone?
« on: December 31, 2016, 12:17:25 PM »
I literally have no one in the entire world I know that I can talk to about this or that would understand so I'm posting it here.
I've had POIS roughly 10 years now. Every relationship I've had I eventually end because my symptoms get so bad they turn me numb. I feel no love, no sympathy. I become ice cold inside. It's important to note I didn't know I had POIS until a couple months ago. It was misdiagnosed. So it's been months and months now that I've been abstaining from sex and years since I've been abstaining from masturbation. I can't bare to go through symptoms anymore, so I'm desperate to do whatever it takes to keep them at bay.
For the holidays I returned home and the past year I've been making moves on the "love of my life". I don't want to go too deep into it but this is basically the woman of dreams. The one unattainable woman in the world to me. The person I could only dream of being with for the last 10 years but only recently confessed my attraction to. She gave hints suggesting she too was attracted to me. We went on our first real "date" the other night. I made moves and kissed her. By the end of the night she wanted me to come back to her house and have sex. I told her I wasn't going to have sex with her. Gave her a bunch of dumb reasons. And the fact that I turned down the offer for sex made her want me even more.
Since I've given up sex, I've found a much deeper desire for bonding behaviors with a woman I care for and a connection rather than sex. I've had plenty of sex in my life, and I can attract most women.  But since abstaining, it's been incredibly depressing to be on the other end of the spectrum and realizing that most women at the end of the day mostly want sex... just like men. My last girlfriend dumped me a month ago because we had been together 2 months and I wasn't ready to have sex. I'm okay with having sex as long as I don't orgasm. But that means I have to take it slow in a relationship and the sex has to be very slow so I don't climax.

I feel gutted and alone. I've managed to obtain the one woman I truly want in the world and the first thing she wants to do is have sex.It feels so superficial, meaningless. And what bothers me most is that I want to explain to her that I have POIS and what it's all about and why I can't orgasm. But she's a woman, she has frequent orgasms, and she won't fully understand. Bottom line is she has "needs" which I had too before abstaining for a long time. And if I don't have sex with her, she's going to get it from someone else. And believe me there's plenty of guys waiting...
This has been the trend so far since abstaining for me and I don't see it changing. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone at times, I have a plethora of women calling me and texting me everyday all around the world that want me. But I know at the end of the day what they want is sex from me.
If anyone has been through this or something similar I could really use some support or advice. Thanks.

Quantum

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Re: Will I die alone?
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2017, 11:13:33 AM »
Hi Neutral,

First, let me tell you that all that you have wrote in your post is easily understandable by any POIS sufferer here, but, for sure, very hard to understand for anyone else.  We all experience this "being alone with POIS".  That's why this forum is important for us.

I am one of the few who have managed to keep a long term relationship despite POIS ( 29 years, currently).  But I definitively think that not any woman can fit with a man who has POIS.  Like I have written elsewhere, some qualities are required ( and even when these qualities are there, it's not easy, let me tell you! ).  First, this person must be centered in the heart, or said otherwise, must have a more mature worldview, or some spiritual outlook on life, or some abilities on the psychological level,  and empathy.  That's very limiting and leave not many candidates, because the current culture is oriented towards everything superficial and short-lived, and sex has become a consumable commodity. I hear from what you have wrote that you must be somehow an attractive man, so that may make it a little harder for you to find someone less superficial, among all the spontaneous interest you will trigger in most women ( as you mention, those immediate responses are often link to sexual drive).

Another quality I think is needed for a woman to live with a POIS sufferer is to be more intelligent than average.  POIS is not easy to understand, you have to be with someone who has the intellectual space needed to understand such a rare disorder with its so many implication in your life.  It is far too complicated for an average person to handle.

In short, a rather superficial person, having no noticeable heart qualities, with an average intelligence, may have the eyes of an angel and the body of a goddess, be lively, socially skilled and engaging, but you won't go very far with her, especially if her sex needs rank high in her priorities.  You will appear far too "complicated" for her, who prefers easy and fast-food like contacts.

We have to be honest as POISer, we are not easy to live with, with this kind of total personality change we go through after having sex.  If we want a long term relationship, we need a woman who is a kind of "informal caregiver", and is kind, patient and generous.  For you to find a woman who has those kind of dispositions, you have more chance to find her in groups that are supportive for other persons ( like nurses, psychologists, members of caregivers team, charity, massotherapists, volunteers for a cause, or else...).  It is far less likely to find this kind of person in a bar or in a party or through social media.

Try to be objective and see if the woman you consider to be the love of your life has this empath, "old soul" profile.

Even with this kind of person, the rate and specific time you have sex will have to be well managed, and communication will always be very important.

And, on our part, we have to be, when out of POIS, kind, benevolent, patient, supportive and loving, to compensate for our "dark side". Also, doing everything possible to minimize your POIS symptoms, be it diet change, supplements, psychotherapy, anything, will be a great plus for your relationship.

What's your reaction to all of this?

That's only my opinion, though.  I hope other members will express their view, especially those who, like me, are in a long term relationship.

I wish you to find the best person possible for you, Neutral!
« Last Edit: January 01, 2017, 11:17:01 AM by Quantum »
You are 100% responsible for what you do with anything I post on this forum and of any consequence it could have for you.  Forum rule: ""Do not use POISCenter as a substitute for, or to give, medical advice" Read the remaining part at http://poiscenter.com/forums/index.php?topic=1.msg10259#msg10259

Neutral

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Re: Will I die alone?
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2017, 02:44:39 PM »
Thanks Quantum. I appreciate the response. And I think youre exactly right. I've more and more been gravitating towards the type of care giving women you suggest. And growing a distaste for superficial women. Unfortunately in my line of work, I think I meet some of the most unintelligent and superficial women there are. I guess I should hang out outside hospitals and hit on nurses? I have no idea where to meet these kinds of women haha. I spend all my time working and in my little free time I find myself at bars or clubs with friends...

Your description of everything helps give me clarity for what I crave. But I almost feel worse in a way now, cause it seems even more unlikely now that I'll find someone or connect with someone. The problem is that I can connect very deeply with someone when I'm POIS free. But that never ever happens. I think I have some of the longest and most severe symptoms from anyone I've seen on this forum. I will attract a woman I like, connect. But then POIS will take over and she's always left wondering why it takes me days to answer her texts or finally see her again. Or why I can't hang out for more than a couple hours. I always have to rush off at some point to go home and wallow in my misery alone. It sucks.
There seems to be no other way around this with a woman unless you come clean with her about your condition. It fucking blows. It's such a weird illness to have most women think you're lying about it or it's not real.
When is the right time to tell a girl? Early on, or wait till things get physical?

Quantum

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Re: Will I die alone?
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2017, 07:45:48 PM »
Hi Neutral,

Well, it is a fact that these type of woman is not really the type found in bars and clubs.  They usually not want to be in the spotlight, neither.  They often live a simple and quiet life.  You will have more chance to find a woman like this by participating in activities they are more inclined to, like volunteering yourself for a cause so that you will get to know people with these values, or in yoga or meditation classes, or in any activities that reflects positive values like cooperation, support, help, health, peace, and so on.  For example, if you become involve in a group helping the homeless, you will for sure meet people that are natural caregivers.  Even if there is no woman that would correspond to what you are searching for in this group, those people have friends, sisters, cousins, that may be the person you are looking for, so stay aware.  One things leads to another. And, by helping those in the need, even if not many hours a month, that will help you feel good about yourself anyway.

It will far more easier to tell about your POIS if you are with a woman that is intelligent and is not superficial.  The exact time to talk about it is up to you, you will feel when it's time.   But, if your symptoms are very severe, it is better to let her know before your first intimate contact, rather than disappearing for days without explanations.

Keep in mind that it might be longer to find a mature and caring woman than to find a one-night stand....  but it really worth it.

 

 







 
You are 100% responsible for what you do with anything I post on this forum and of any consequence it could have for you.  Forum rule: ""Do not use POISCenter as a substitute for, or to give, medical advice" Read the remaining part at http://poiscenter.com/forums/index.php?topic=1.msg10259#msg10259

Daveman

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Re: Will I die alone?
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 03:33:36 PM »
Hi Neutral and Quantum,

When I was at my worst, years ago now, I felt as you do. It was dreadful to contemplate sex, knowing what I'd have to go through. Mine lasted near 14 days, with short but pretty strong depressive periods on days 2 and 3.

My POIS developed about 7 yrs into my marriage, and it was a tough time for both of us to come to terms with the problem.
In the end though, I forced myself to make the "sacrifice" every 6 weeks or so. In the end it was a compromise. It was enough to help her through, and not too much to permit me to live to some extent. Few would understand what it took, to bite the tongue and and go through with it. But at least we'd prepare, we'd make it romantic, dinner, dancing a special and appreciated event. After all it is pleasurable and giving in the moment.

I don't suffer POIS anymore (niacin or viagra, in fact viagra seems to work better), however, some of the spontaneity and romance is lost due the the nature of the method required to take the medication.  Basically 8 hr previous fasting and only early in the morning. Often not very romantic....

So, where the exact right women can't be found, it might be worth the effort to balance the pain for a good one.

Bite the bullet once every 7 wks, but make it worth the effort. Can be a lot of fun. She appreciates it and often is quite a bit more understanding of your down-time.


WITHOUT RESEARCH THERE WILL BE NO CURE!
Sessions 5 to 9 days, mostly Flu-like, joints, digestion problems, light cognitive.
Niacin has changed my lif though, now 1 day MAX.
Somewhere in this interaction with Niacin is the answer!

Neutral

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Re: Will I die alone?
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2017, 08:10:04 AM »
Hi Neutral and Quantum,

When I was at my worst, years ago now, I felt as you do. It was dreadful to contemplate sex, knowing what I'd have to go through. Mine lasted near 14 days, with short but pretty strong depressive periods on days 2 and 3.

My POIS developed about 7 yrs into my marriage, and it was a tough time for both of us to come to terms with the problem.
In the end though, I forced myself to make the "sacrifice" every 6 weeks or so. In the end it was a compromise. It was enough to help her through, and not too much to permit me to live to some extent. Few would understand what it took, to bite the tongue and and go through with it. But at least we'd prepare, we'd make it romantic, dinner, dancing a special and appreciated event. After all it is pleasurable and giving in the moment.

I don't suffer POIS anymore (niacin or viagra, in fact viagra seems to work better), however, some of the spontaneity and romance is lost due the the nature of the method required to take the medication.  Basically 8 hr previous fasting and only early in the morning. Often not very romantic....

So, where the exact right women can't be found, it might be worth the effort to balance the pain for a good one.

Bite the bullet once every 7 wks, but make it worth the effort. Can be a lot of fun. She appreciates it and often is quite a bit more understanding of your down-time.

Thanks for the advice. It's nice to hear you're able to make it work in a way. I'd like to think I can do the same, but this last hurdle of suffering symptoms for 8 weeks is far too debilitating. I can't live effectively or work the way I want while undergoing. And it's still on going, it's been 8 weeks and I've seen little to no relief, how many more weeks ahead? I don't know..

You mentioned niacin and viagra. What's the viagra for? Is it for ED or for POIS?
I'm going to guess you fast for 8 hours, take the niacin then have sex. Do you wait to begin sex until you feel the flush? I kind of gave up on niacin but I'd like to try it again. I only tried one brand and I don't think it was very good. Can you recommend which one you take?