I am awake right now; cannot sleep. It's a POIS night and instead of getting tired, of recent I have had OCD, hyperactivity. Friday nights were always optimal for POIS, as you all know...
I believe POIS has sent my psychology in a strange direction... I have been experiencing symptoms of temporary psychosis (for reference of signs-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis)- for three to four months now. I am just coming out of this state in the last two weeks after adjusting to new psych meds, which are helping immensely with everything including some physical symptoms (Oxcarbazepine 1800mg and buspar 45mg). I knew I needed help 2months ago after my second suicide attempt in two months. The first one I thought I was fine and would manage, just to show you how lost I was.. I couldn't reign in the psychological pain and trauma which POIS has caused; a total lack of control ensued. It has been terrifying, as I watched myself do and say things that made no sense, there was no control. POIS can and will make you hallucinate, dissociate, delusional and catatonic if you let it go too far as I did. I had 6 POIS days in a row, one of which was an all night sex marathon with myself to hurt myself. This is what can produce the mental state I fell into. Besides months of self-induced abuse by way of masturbating too much to punish myself for this pain that I have and because I have never had an untainted orgasm. I have always had POIS and know nothing else. 16yrs with POIS- since I was a 12yr old child was too much to handle mentally this yr. After coming down on my other psych meds that weren't wking anymore this winter.. It was all too much. Be careful guys. Continue to manage and live balanced.
I have pushed away a girlfriend who loves me and I have been with for 8yrs and insulted family on multiple occasions despite them understanding and trying to help. I may have destroyed the relationship with the person I love the most. I blame POIS and take responsibility for my actions.
What I am saying is; we can be our own worst enemies at times. POIS is no ones fault; Unfortunately it just happened. We will find the answers we need. Be patient in this hell, we will find solace. Do not get to the point I have mentally. You will alienate yourself and your loved ones to your detriment. I could see things happening but could not stop myself from causing more harm. If you need psych drugs to help with your mental state, then please get them guys. POIS is not mental but can cause a brutal psychological syndrome unto itself (which is very mental). They may not cure POIS but can help you cope and not go off the deep end for now..
I must now lift myself and rise above, but remain realistic in my goals. This is hard. I have potential but feel used up and confused by a year that altered my perception.
I became my own worst enemy and biggest threat. My heart was pounding all of the time. 140bpm just standing. 90-100laying with no control of it- for weeks if not a month. I am lucky I did no heart damage. This can kill you if you push it far enough. From what I experienced I genuinely believe that now. If you manage this will not happen to you. I do have an extreme case in that my POIS never goes away no matter how long I abstain for, it just gets better and worse. Be careful, do not let it go that far, because it can.
I had high sexual activity with POIS for years. It can get very bad.
It has never gone to this point before.. If you are embraced to say so, I get it.. This is hard. Depression, mood-swings, OCD, anxiety I can do. Temporary psychosis is a no go. Don't ever go there, its pure hell and I will never let myself go that far down the POIS rabbit-hole again.
Be healthy guys. You can do the best you can, and that is good enough
We will find answers.
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Have you guys ever experienced the extreme pysch symptoms from POIS which I described?
If you don't wanna say, I get it.. I didn't want say anything but need to share everything now because I want to show how bad this can get mentally and physically.
