Extreme depression and suicide

[Green]

I haven't attempted in years, but on the other hand I haven't gotten this stressed out and anxious. I just cannot seem to shut off.
Over the past few years, I've had a good Circadian Rhythm and able to handle copious amounts of stress associated with POIS, other health issues and personal life, for the past 7-8 months I've not been able to sleep sufficiently and relying heavily on sleeping pills, I've almost got a dependency on them, I know pretty much have to take them to get the effect of shutting off and nodding off, but it's not the same type of sleep as without, ie not refreshing.

I seem to have a large amount of trigger points which set off my suicidal thoughts and tendencies, mostly due to the fact I'm too indifferent from anyone else around me and it makes me feel weak and inferior to everyone around me, that's out of POIS, whilst in POIS I'm reduced to nothing, a worthless, wasting existence, since 12 all I have been doing is trying to abstain so I feel 'normal' work hard as I possibly can and then all is lost, repeat, thesedays after orgasm I also have psychosomatic episode which lasts throughout the duration of the first phase of POIS, where I just feel restlessness an extreme amount of stress and end of the world feeling.

I've also isolated myself from everyone, I no longer keep in contact with friends or family so I don't even have a brief opportunity to express myself. It's very demoralising when you're lying in bed recovering from POIS and you can hear you're neighbors having sex next door and they can get up and go to work and do everything else the very next day.

I'm pretty much alive because I don't want to put my family through a death, I've somehow lost that ability to pick myself up from POIS and make an effort. Just feels as though I've reached my maximum charge-drain cycles and I'm not holding charge. I can barely go a few hours without a suicidal thought entering my head, I might walk into a psych ward for a few days to get help, otherwise this is going to continue forever.

[Green]

Forgot to mention having extra testosterone also gives you an accentuation of your personality, I have had blood tests and I am within the physiologic bio-available range, I'm not saying it makes me unstable. I would rather this feeling than my prior state of POIS to taking test, where POIS was lasting upto 6 weeks and I was only ejaculating <5 times a year.

Why does life have to be so cruel?

[Daveman]

Don't want to sound like a smart ass, but maybe it;s not all that bad an idea to go and take yourelf up on the psych ward.

I mean they could give a couple of days of rest, and you know that you'd be looked after.

And besides you wouldn't have to listen to your neighbours.

The rest could be really helpuf, and they just might set you up on a clearer track for a while.

[Ccconfucius]

what about just a therapist, psych ward sound extreme. And you dont want that on your record.  Do your family know about pois, you might want to tell them about it so you can keep contact them so you are not so isolated, i have isolated myself to from all myfriends but family is the only reason why am sane.
am starting to think the quiet guy who chimes in every 5hrs or so is better than total isolation. 

[demografx]

For telephone and/or email emotional/psych support, I think this is a good UK organization:
http://www.samaritans.org/

GREEN, a similar US organization helped me when I was as low as you.

Best wishes.

Alternately, if you want, PM me your phone number and I'll be glad to call you.

[Green]

I want to thank you guys for the concern, you guys show a great deal more concern than the people around me. I did in the end manage to get myself checked out. I had to drive to the hospital myself, I barely made it there without crashing, I'm a very proficient driver whilst out of POIS and have a very powerful car, that's difficult to control under POIS conditions, I drove on day 6 of POIS, it was one of the most arduous things I've done in recent times, by the time I got there, sat waiting to be seen, I was covered in a poole of sweat and my hands were shaking violently and my heart was pounding away, I was that nervous. My GP is not possible to reach, other doctors at the surgery I go to usually end up giving me poor advice and I get shunned, especially so when I go there in a state of POIS, which I normally tend to avoid, for the aforementioned reason. Because of the orientation of the illness, I did not go a walk in centre, instead a sexual health clinic, there I was lucky to find a doctor I could talk to (given state of POIS) and open up about the past few months, etc... and even managed to explain POIS and the drugs I've been taking etc... I had a urine sample cultured and didn't reveal anything, odd, possibly down to the fact I was already on a set of antibiotics, but I have been urinating small quantities of blood sometimes, sorry to be graphic, it smells extremely fishy down there too, that was the concern of the doc, I got given another set of antibiotics. In the conversation I did manage to say how I was feeling psychologically she wrote out a letter to take to the ER and I was seen by a psychologist there, had a very long conversation, the contents I don't really want to go over, here on an internet forum, but the outcome is that I'm likely not clinically depressed, but the stresses and mountain I'm carrying on top of my head is causing me to look for a way out, it's difficult for a person to assess someone's mental state given a short conversation, but I have a lot of insecurities and trigger points for my suicidal thoughts, I'm also in a very poor state physically, I have other health problems which are quite severe and difficult to deal with which I've been resorting to drugs to help.

I am just, just and I mean just managing to crawl out out this POIS episode, normally on a day 7 I would be in much better shape but I think I've broken down mentally a lot, there are people scheming behind my back, I have stuff that needs to be taken care of, dating back to 2009, I haven't been able to take care of thanks to POIS and my health, I have a job I can barely keep even though I work only one day a week and I really keep it so for that one day a week I'm forced to leave the house, I have part of my degree to finish over the summer, otherwise prior years work goes to waste taht I haven't started, I don't sleep much if anything and I have a ADD type which means I can't shut off and I'm susceptible to mental disorders and I've pretty much been abandoned and tossed to the side by all friends and family as I can't keep in contact or head to social events. Things are critical and I'm sitting on my limit, a subsequent POIS episode in the next few months, will in all likelyhood me taking my life, I just have to pull myself together, make a plan to abstain, stick with it, otherwise life is not going to be liveable, but it's like playing a game of Russian roulette considering I'm on test. I actually did mention that to the psychologist yesterday, other people are just incapable of understanding the destruction this illness can cause.

I really don't even know where to begin what else I can do, I don't watch porn, I refrain from the media, I have little outside contact, I try not to think sexually, but I'm just being punished badly for having a sexuality, but by week 4 I forget myself the devestating effects POIS had on me and that's where I keep on failing. This is why I was thinking I need to be in an environment where I can actually be controlled and monitored gather my thoughts and live how I have done in past years.

Thanks demo for the offer, we'll talk on the phone some day.

I just feel as though I'm losing this battle and there isn't much more fight left in me.

[Daveman]

If you could stop POIS, how much would it help you? Do you think that even outside of POIS, you'd still have serious problems? Becasue if it's really bad, and POIS IS the main factor, there's always solutions like Animus's.

We've talked about his solution, an how it's the male analogy of "historectmy". That is practiced much more freely than anything like Animus has done, but even so, only in more sever cases. Which youre could be considered to be IF it could resolve your problems.

And perhaps POIS has had a lot to do with the cascade of things that are a part of your problems, yet may not now resolve them quickly if you could solve the POIS problems. Although, being able to work full days, face people etc. etc. would have to help puting life back on it's tracks.

I guess I'm saying, that it looks like POIS HAS one solution.... although drastic. Which might be worth considering.

I hear you about how one "forgets" the consequence of orgasm, after several weeks. Deadly that is!
The other thing that is so complicated is being able to see, in the momeent of the pain and depression, that it is hormonally exagerated, and tends to go away whith time.

Just like we forget how bad POIS is, we forget how good being normal is. We need to step out of "the NOW" sometimes.

BTW, I love powerful cars! Some of my favorites are Baracuda 426 hemi, Camero SS 427, and the zr1 (Camero and Corvette) Shelby Mustang Cobra 427.... just so many.

Gives me POIS just thinking about them!

[Green]

I try not to think about POIS much as I can, but it's turned into an obsession, actually always has been, when I was younger I used to steal my dad's credit card and buy supplements from actionlove and herballove, thinking it'll cure this, I have tons of anxieties, my mind will not rest for a second whenever I'm alone they flare up, it started with anxieties, but at this current stage I've ended up with a long list of mental illnesses, I have no-one to help work things out.

No surgeon here will be open enough to castrate me, besides, wouldn't I have to be on hormone therapy for life for that?

I've come to the conclusion it's just not possible to be normal with POIS I can't even be a member of society with this, it's very hard to live with POIS when you have nothing else going for you in life and everything you have is slipping away, after week 3 my thinking becomes overly sexualised, to the point where failure of abstinence is imminent, I have however gone through periods of over 6 months of total abstinence, I became quite sick then too, my weight was down to 55kg, but my strength was immense.

I have a long list of health problems, POIS just one thing, I should just go on disability, the only problem with that is the stigma associated with that and I will not be able to keep my sanity, I know for a fact I'd end up committing suicide if I went on disability within a matter of months, I'll have next to nothing to do and I'll just end up getting myself into POIS cycles. The time I'm out of POIS I'm actually very aspirational, hardworking and passionate, if I abstain for long I usually end up living a totally different life and when I lose it after getting into POIS it feels as though I've lost everything, I've been going through that for years and I've finally conked out, if I end up in a state of POIS I become temporarily psychotic and insane, it's really uncontrollable and at that point I'll take my life I just about managed to go through this POIS episode phase 1.

Cars are also my passion, I drive a hybrid turbo diesel with lots of work done to it 0-60 ~ 6 seconds, we here in Europe love our diesels, we get taxed crazily on petrols.

[Jon]

I hear you, Green. I never thought I'd say this because I'm an extremely strong person but I don't know how much fight I have left in me. Effort after effort, appointment after appointment, rejection after rejection for years. My symptoms are constant even outside of POIS. I absolutely understand where your coming from because I, too, am living in absolute hell. I am 24 years old and I can't even socialize with people because of the mental issues. I went from a 3.81 GPA and kitchen manager to having to drop out of school and work and everything. All because of things outside of my control. Confusion, unexplained anxiety, no concentration, absent minded, not to mention all the physical symptoms day after day after day. Every day i work to do research and try and make a step towards getting better but it never happens, I just get worse over time. The worst part is my family owns a very successful business and I am seeing my future in it slipping away. I can't imagine what the problem is. I don't know where else to go or what else to do. Can't even socialize with people because I don't understand what theyre saying, cant think of responses, absent minded, and unexplained anxiety on top of it. I'm in an isolated hell. Your not alone.

[Stef]

Hi Green and Jon,

I just read your posts about the desperation and misery caused in your lives by POIS.  My heart truly goes out to both of you.

The first thing I was compelled to write is that your reactions to this misery are NORMAL. They're even HEALTHY!! 

The trick is to find a way to turn those thoughts around!  You're going to have to make lemonade out of lemons (ugh! corny, I know, but true!!!!!).  There is absolute reason to start getting happy.

If you wrote, "My life is nowhere -- can't hold a job, can barely get out of bed much of the time, can't socialize, can barely even eat, am obsessive, can't even use sex for a release, feel like I'm in a hole, I keep getting strange looks and rejections by every doc I go to -- and you then wrote, "But, hey -- no problem.  I'm doing swell!" -- that would be a mental derangement and very worrisome!! 

Your reactions are NORMAL -- keep that in mind. You're not nearly as bad off as you think you are, no matter how horrible it feels. You're reacting normally.

But --  you're going to need to change the paradigm 180 degrees  --  within your minds! Write it on post-it notes and put it everywhere -- keep a journal -- anything that reminds you that "I'm NORMAL -- it's the situation that isn't normal."  But you'll also have to write that things are changing -- YEAH!!!  Because things are changing -- definitely for the best "best" than you thought could be possible!

First and foremost, POIS is already crawling out of its hidden corner.  This miserable, rotten disorder is now really recognized! The forum members (that includes you two!) just got mobilized to go forward and fund some research.  Where there is funding, there is power for the group.  Because where there is funding --there is research! 

I don't know if any of you are starting to get the word out, especially because there's an element of anonymity for most if not all of you (and it's definitely easier for me to do in my capacity as NORD), but--I'm already letting any immunologists, allergists, urologists, etc who contact us  -- even though they are not yet contacting us about POIS -- that funding is coming. 

To researchers -- the real, true, passionate, humanitarian researchers, it's like hearing that there's a light at the end of their long tunnel for them also!!

It took only one brief email to Dr. Dimov at the University of Chicago -- Bam!! -- plans for evaluating POIS patients and starting to collect data in their 100% scientific way are in the works (everyone, stay tuned for this--no exaggeration).

POIS is HORRIBLE -- but for scientists -- it's the type of condition that is like manna from heaven! It is riper than ripe for research!  It encompasses immunology, autoimmunity, allergy, urology, endocrinology, probably rheumatology, and possibly neurology also. It's just a matter of getting word out -- there's money for a research grant, and your researchers out there! Your fund is growing DAILY (in spite of the initial web problems that NORD was having with the new donation page!!).

And best of all --the research is YOURS.  The money behind it belongs to you -- the group! 

If you only knew the countless (literally--countless) queries we receive at NORD -- all throughout the year -- from researchers who are going crazy trying to find funding for the most obscure rare disorders.  $30,000 would be a goldmine for them.    Not one of them is a quack -- they are the real deal., and have the drive and passion that enhances their brilliance. 

You heard it here -- the landscape is changing.  Turn the hopelessness into hope -- keep reminding yourselves that a seismic wave in the rotten world of POIS is already happening.

There will be no more shoddy treatment for men with POIS.  It's ALL changing!!

Stef

[Vincent M]

Thanks stephanie. That was quite inspiring and uplifting.

[Samir]

I have a long list of health problems, POIS just one thing, I should just go on disability, the only problem with that is the stigma associated with that and I will not be able to keep my sanity, I know for a fact I'd end up committing suicide if I went on disability within a matter of months, I'll have next to nothing to do and I'll just end up getting myself into POIS cycles. The time I'm out of POIS I'm actually very aspirational, hardworking and passionate, if I abstain for long I usually end up living a totally different life and when I lose it after getting into POIS it feels as though I've lost everything, I've been going through that for years and I've finally conked out, if I end up in a state of POIS I become temporarily psychotic and insane, it's really uncontrollable and at that point I'll take my life I just about managed to go through this POIS episode phase 1.

Cars are also my passion, I drive a hybrid turbo diesel with lots of work done to it 0-60 ~ 6 seconds, we here in Europe love our diesels, we get taxed crazily on petrols.

Green, I want to say this--YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  I've gone through the EXACT same feelings in my life including attempts at suicide.  I think you are fully capable to beat this and I believe in you.  The key is to remind yourself of what you want in life, and what you have to do to get there.  Once you've determined that plan, focus on it.  Ignore everything else.  If working out and eating healthy is part of what you need to do, then you do it, even if you're not hungry or don't feel like it.  Soon, you start to have the positive feedback from improved health and staying on this path becomes easier.  When you are tempted with the O, remind yourself that this will not help you get what you want in life, that it takes steps back.  You will give into this temptation, and when you feel terrible again, you remind yourself how you got here and how you got out of it last time.  Eventually, you'll be able to consciously make the decision to have the O and the POIS and all the bad things that come with it or not.  Then your life is back in your hands.

And like you, I'm a car enthusiast as well--I have 9 cars. You should see the turbo diesels we have around here.  Here's a video of a guy that built a truck motor and put it in the chassis of a Ford Mustang.  It was 1800hp, 3200lbs and tri-turbo!

[ihatepois]

I LOVE cars too! My favorite car is the Dodge Viper with the 8.4 liter v10 with 600 horsepower and 560 pound feet of torque.  I also like Corvette Stingrays and 1930s Cadillac v16s.  The newer Cadillac Sixteen has a humongous 32-valve V16, 13.6 liters with 1000 hp!!! See maybe we need to distract our minds away from POIS and try to concentrate on other things we enjoy  like Steph said.  I also enjoy playing Half-Life 2 and killing the Gman over 1000 times with the crowbar in Gmod.

[Samir]

We have a Hennessey Viper around town.   The same guy owns a Hennessey Ford GT and a Porsche Carrera GT.    I have TONS of pictures of Stingrays, but I don't think I've ever seen one of the cadillac v16s.  Sounds pretty awesome! 

[UnderstandingPois]

  im going thrue the same thing.

[Daveman]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Samir, you're absolutely RIGHT. POIS ain't the only thing around!!