Hi again, short story. venting , rant
After being alone for most of the time for many many years i decided to go out a few times last 2 weeks during early night ( last time was about 10 years ago ) basically just getting something to eat and then talk or contact some people ( not going into venues ) and going home early . I always used to go out alone ( when i was 22) here are my findings. You should think that if you invest in yourself and be a better person that you be able to get along with everyone and attract many things. This is not true at all. Matter in fact it's harder to contact or communicate with people that are on the level of the average citizen. It's even more frustrating and depressing that people are absolutely disconnected from reality.
These people are slaves who lives their lives without thinking much and then go get a drink now and then. When you have illness you think alot about things in general, you have to plan everything everyday, you can't just do something, you learn to be a leader for yourself. Because of illness You also have to think alot and you read/watch alot of informative stuff when you are laying on the couch fatigued. Most people seem to have shallow and superficial interests in the mechanics of life and reality.
The absolute garbage that came from peoples their mouths is absolutely stunning, i didn't knew society went down the drain this fast. I also noticed that i got alot of attention from girls but of course i cannot do anything because of POIS, most of these people were not really reliable people anyway usually alot of them are trash (IMHO) . When i was like 19 i always felt there was plexiglass in front of me which made me unable to communicate to woman freely, now it's the other way around and all the other people seem to have plexiglass in front of them.
I ran into a semi-homeless guy who was on drugs ( he barely could walk straight ) but we had some interesting conversations tho. Talked about space travel, the universe in general along with other metaphysical topics. How reality is a construct and somewhat similar to the matrix etc. The guy literally seem more sane than 99 % of the people around us. Most of the time i spent strolling around old medieval city walls and medieval buildings. To me those times seemed somewhat better than modern times and more interesting. I find modern times pretty boring in general, there is nothing really exciting and there is nothing glorious about having an illness like POIS. Eventually because of some nerve pain in my back i decided to go home.
What i learned is that society is full of triggers but not in a good way, especially when you go out early night. It's easy to relapse POIS especially when you realize how depressing there is a gap between you and people regarding perspective on life. it wasn't a positive experience for me at all. Reason i went out is because i was extremely bored last few weeks. It's harder to abstain from anything sexual when you are idle and bored. I tore my knee ACL which is party healed unfortunately there is a cyst on the damaged tissue of my ACL, besides POIS i got rid of most health problems like glucose intolerance/diabetes, allergies, eyesight problems etc etc.
I also tried getting a psychologist/sexuologist last few months. I have a hard time finding one, most do not want to have me as patient and seem to avoid me. For a few months i have not been able to find anyone that is willing to help me. This is extremely frustrating and disappointing . I'm stuck because i have nobody to talk to (especially about these topics ) , i don't have many people that i can talk to anyway. That's why i went out in hope to maybe find someone to have contact with maybe i would feel better ( at least i thought ).
I also get severe neurotisicm because of sexual repression combined with triggers in society. This is also worsened by diet ( protein rich to avoid insulin problems, increases libido ). For about 4 weeks on average i manage not to have erection, orgasms or sexual thoughts then i usually i regress watching woman ( not porn, just random woman in bikini/lingerie or something similar). I find watching woman in general pretty boring actually, its purely hormonal biological need it seems. When i watch woman occasionaly thoughts about boredom pops up. Matter in fact eventually i got so bored i went out in the rain on flip flops and shorts to go out for a stroll.
I had periods where i maintained abstinance for more than a year or at least 3 months average. it's easier when you get older ( physically ) however emotionally i feel like you keep building up trauma and stress because of previous sexual trauma ( in or out relationships ). Just the social/emotional/psychological stress and the unconcious damage you build up from every erection or orgasm ( when you get that sick you beat yourself up about it). Because of all the loneliness and emotional stress i find that this worsen my neurotic/sexual repression. When you are like 28 or 29 it's easy to deal with loneliness but when you hit 33 or 35 it actually creeps up on you.
Everytime i see someone walking hand in hand or with a large family of kids etc ( especially when i meet ex-girlfriends, there are also some triggers i won't discuss because of forum rules ) it unconciously triggers some kind of stress or depression in me this is very subtle but its there. this builds up everyime i got into society. I actually feel hypervigilant and overstimulated and overstressed, i perceive most things as a threat ( which is quitte normal because society is unnatural if you think about it) especially when something makes me feel lonely ( the above) or potentionaly make me feel alienated ( especially mass immigration , being stranger in my own neightbourhood etc ).
I don't feel western society is a viable solution for people who have a disease like POIS. It's a very cold and closed culture and very materialistic and superficial. At least in slavic/most baltic/ eastern european countries ( some southern too like italy ) there is much more a sense of community and culture and people in general are much more caring and closer together. Over here in the west its almost like you waste away without anyone giving a f**k unless they get something out of you/use you for something. I find that usually people from poland for example are way easier to talk to than western europeans.
I also hate the fake altruism and virtue signaling.. my neightbour is a immigrant from syria and some dutch people visit him to socialize ( almost somekind of social service but just average citizens come by to socialize). I 've been at home for close to 10 years straight barely talked to anyone except my parents. They never visited me or said hi to me, yet they have no problem maintaining contacts with a total stranger from another country. My social worker who used to visit me when i had severe chronic fatigue didn't gave a damn and just cared about money.
I'm not saying it's 100 % impossible and shit. And sure i don't recommend being a full time victim but find solutions instead but everytime i seem to try something new ( socially ) i seem to get punished for it severely ( it seems like this especially lately ).
I also noticed that success is failure to me and Failure sometimes means succes... for example it's good when you hook up with a girl but eventually because of POIS ( at least in my case ) i mess everything up. its a crapshoot with the odds stacked against you. What it boils down to is that for many years i unconciously learned to avoid success because the feeling of failure and punishment ( for example ) when you have sex with a girl is bigger than failing to have a sexual/relationship with a girl. The more i delve into it the more inverted everything seems to be, to bad i cannot seem to find a good psychologist...i guess i'm extremely dissappointed into western society, it also seems to go down the drain when time proceeds. i guess the best way is to handle it is to be least idle as possible.
I dislike the social aspect of society and how it related emotionally to POIS.. i also dislike the nerve pain in my spine.... I wished i lived somewhere off grid close to nature in some forest area. i actually gave up to the idea of having a relationship while having this disease.
just my 5 cents
