Problems dating/relationships

[Guts]

Long time POIS sufferer...31 years old.

i've had horrible relationships because of POIS, they all ended in tears. I also didn't finish my study and lost all my jobs just daily living is very hard for me because POIS symptoms last about 6 days, once i get an erection it's pretty much game over. brainfog, fatigue and backpain is so intense i have difficulty completing the most simple tasks. I also believe that over time POIS gave me other non-POIS symptoms and other health problems.

So lately i met this girl where i used to work and she was really into me, love on first sight from both sides. So i asked her number and called her 3 days later but nobody picked up. What it comes down to is that she missed my call ( i wasn't sure if it was the right phonenumber or not ) I could have visit her because she works in a public place but i didn't... i was in doubt about my future and all the POIS problems.

I thought about how i needed to explain myself because i had POIS for a whole week, i was emotionally shutdown and felt nothing but depression because of POIS. i thought about meeting her parents and needing to explain myself how i don't finish my education, how i lost all my jobs and how i have this disease. I felt really negative about my future and kinda gave up, and didn't persuit her even tho we mutually fell in love with each one...... i made up all these excuses to myself, i also sincerely believed she gave me the wrong number but i could have visited her and ask her to hang out.

About 2 weeks later i ran into her again and told her i had the wrong number and made up all these excuses why i didn't contact her... i did everything to avoid talking about POIS or my situation in general. there are 10 ways to contact her but i only used 1...

I gave her my number but she proceeded to tell me she doesn't want to hang out anymore or me to call her, i tried to act normal and talked to her for 10 minutes but i started to get the feeling she didn't want me there, cold shoulder stuff.. I walked outside to the parkinglot and started crying and started to feel a range of emotions anger, dissapointment, guilt etc....i just shut down. 

Once i got home i realized she was angry and dissappointed, she really was attracted to me and i hurt her feelings she probably felt rejected. i realized i wasn't my normal self because of POIS and medications. I got thoughts about how i sabotaged myself and rejected myself and hurt her in the process. I asked her number.... then i didn't contact her which is completely my fault. I feel like a scumbag for treating her this way... i feel like a scumbag for how i treated woman in general because of POIS.. i apologized to all my previous girlfriends so many times i feel i'm running dry of apologies.

I'm on the end of my rope , even tho i didn't hook up properly with this girl it feels worse than breaking off or getting dumped in my previous relationships, i can't explain myself to her, i can't contact her anymore.... i feel jaded... like i have no chance of changing POIS. I also think i'm more fucked up on a psychological/emotional level than i admit and thought about going to a psychologist for the 646th time.  Before i knew i have POIS i tried many things to change my situation but once i got diagnosed i feel like i have no control over my life. I've had 5 relationships, dated some girls but probably rejected dozens , rejected 99 % of the girls i ran into because of my situation.

Even tho im taking anti-depressants right now  i never felt this depressed or suicidal... i thought about removing my prostrate and testicles... thoughts about it  if doctors reject i just sedate myself and cut them out myself. I'm also getting thoughts about going to switzerland and ending my life in a hospital. i just don't know what else to do , i constantly break down in crying. I don't have not much joy in life and don't talk to friends anymore, when i meet friends in the grocery store i feel no desire to hang out with them... it's just gone... This disease is eating a hole in my soul to the point where i really believe i'm better off when dead, it's robbing me of all my time , energy, social life, health and ambitions.

I tried explaining to people and woman but it has no use... they either won't understand or pretend to understand. I even got laughed at by family members/ people which really bothered me.

I feel like the trauma and pain has build up to a point where im fucked up beyond all recognition, my heart is pounding in my chest because of all the stress and shit. I looked in the mirror and don't even feel f*cking human anymore, everything i come in contact with seem to crumble to the point where i don't even want to contact people anymore. I also made some poor descisions that cannot be reverted or changed, usually out of desperation.

When i see other people deep inside i'm just glad they don't have to deal with this shit.... on the other hand i feel extremely alone and isolated it just hurts  to see other people walking hand in hand with their girlfriend/wife. I turned from an ambitious, good looking, healthy and smart guy to someone who lost everything.. what just happened to me... what is this shit ?  The years go by and i'm getting older i'm feeling like doctors will never find a cure, i feel completely scared, alone and desperate also because symptoms are getting stronger.

[Bulbo]

Hello Guts...
I also feel exactly like you. Dont worry now u are in a sad mood so whatever decisions u make may not be a rational one. I hv realised that most decisions which i take in my sad mood are bad because at that time i feel that i dont deserve a place in this world and also i find it hard to trust others and also difficulty to think rationally.
About relationships - i too hv talked openly to girls about my pois , as soon as i tell them they start to avoid me. Girls do hv the right to choose their partners and moreover normal people cant understand our feelings. If we describe our feelings they would think of us as weak. So i dont try to have relationships. In this way i am atleast content and i dont hv to face any heartbreak. So dont take girls seriously.
          Always avoid the feelings of suicide.. we hv these feelings because we are depressed and we hv to fight for our place in this world even though we dont fit in it
Dont worry.... we are all like u

[Quantum]

Hi Guts,

I hope you fell less alone because you have found this forum, and know that you are not alone in the world with this syndrome.

Your words sounds like you are severely depressed, and I feel you should seek professional help.  I have been in psychotherapy for over 10 years now, and it is part of the method I used to get control over my POIS.  Stop just thinking about it, and find a competent and caring psychotherapist, this will be a great gift to yourself.

Have you ever tried anything suggested on this forum to lower both the severity and duration of your symptoms ?  See this post for the most documented methods :  http://poiscenter.com/forums/index.php?topic=2338.msg19448#msg19448

If I understand you clearly, you do not have to ejaculate to have POIS, just getting excited gives you POIS ?

[Guts]

Hi Bulbo & quantom

just some venting maybe.. i think i completely snapped and detached from myself

you are right but i have been in a bad mood for years, right now i'm taking anti-depressants ( SNRI, tried multiple ) but it doesn't really help. I also tried talking openly about POIS but you are right they just reject you if you talk about it directly. They act like you have AIDS or HIV or something, girls are just evolved and hardwired to avoid unhealthy men. If i have sex or erections without orgasms i do have less physical symptoms than orgasm but i do get alot of psychological symptoms and stress which actually is detrimental to all my relationships. i

I tried taking everything suggesting on this forum and out of this forum, some things make me feel a bit better but are just to expensive for me to warrant the effects. I tried niacin for a few years but it actually made everything worse long term. Same with cannabis, anti-histamine and most vitamins. I have allergic reactions to most foods and i can barely eat anything.

I've had 12 psychiatrists and more psychologists... i've been in emergency care for suicide attempts and mild seizures (altough very rare) and most professionals openly admit they do not know how te help me. I think i should talk to a therapist but i'm not sure how it will improve my outcome long term.  This girl was really nice and non-judgemental, i know there are many more like her, but i failed and hurted her feelings. What is bothering me is not losing this girl ( altough it doesn't feel good ) what bothers me is that she would actually be more compatible with my situation and i still failed because of all my symptoms... i wasn't evenly properly aware of it, i tried to ignore everything in order to be a normal person.

I've seen my ex-girlfriend when i was getting some grocies and we stared at eachother deeply for a minute...she's a hot girl who really was attracted to me and still is. She is pregnant from another dude and it made me feel bad for a few hours  because it reminded me why and how are relationship ended and how it could be. It's the realization that relationships won't ever work for me, that's what is really bothering me.

I tried sexual relationships even with older woman but it just doesn't work out for me, i get either attached or just break off contact.

I feel really  hopeless... for years i tried all kinds of therapy, medications, supplements diets, reading books, meditating and really stick to improving myself in the hope of having something that looks like a normal life. Turns out POIS is always on step ahead of me and i'm just ignoring POIS in order not to worry about it, just lying to myself i'm fine.

Girls i dated or places i worked with... every place i visit where i failed due to POIS just elicits a negative emotion so i try to avoid all kinds of places that reminds me of previous tragedies...i also avoid best friends and previous friends because of this. i wish i could move to another country like australia or new-zealand and start clean but i don't have the money and i surely don't got the health and energy. 

Family related holidays like christmas are starting soon... this by default makes me depressed. it just sucks to feel lonely when everyone around you isn't , i can't just celebrate or go to parties because i'm not a happy person. On birthdays i'm the elephant in the room because if i have POIS or any symptoms during that time i'm fooked. I also have to listen to peoples shitty problems that aren't even comparable to my daily suffering, its almost feels like a insult or a kick in my face. If i told them i had cancer or something i would at least get some respect or sympathy, you won't get much if you tell them you have POIS.

For many years on every New Years eve i stare at the wall depressed and tell myself i should get healthier, i should date more, i should be more resilient and make myself stronger.

One particular new years ( almost 7 or 8 years ago ) eve i went to my previous college where i didn't finish my education ( degree)  and stood at the front entrance in the middle of the night in hard rain, i felt i needed to go there. At that time and moment  i decided to improve myself and i will get my degree, tried my best to study or to get some sort of positive thing going. Almost 8 years later, multiple nights of fireworks on new year and i'm worse off than before.

All the countless hours spend on listing to audio books and reading about self development , going to seminars, volunteering at gatherings....if i got 1 $ for every hour spent i would be rich by now. If i would get 1 $ for every girl i rejected i would've bought myself a brand new car.  I always have to reverse engineer the emotional trauma i get from POIS and usually spend my whole day on that or playing video games trying to destress and clear my mind.

I'm just angry on society... angry on doctors, hospitals and what have you. They just don't understand how hard this is and how it's controlling my life. I rather have cancer and have kids, family, girlfriend etc and die early in life instead of dealing with POIS.

[Going less Crazy]

You say you have allergic reactions to most foods.  Have you tried adjusting your diet in any shape or form?

[Guts]

yes... i have reactions to most vegetables, meats ( chicken, beef ) , nuts and grains. Also sweet potato, carrots, lemon and most fruits like apple, pear oranges etc .

Only thing that helped me was going 100 % raw vegan, i ate leeks, kale, zuchini, bell pepper, chinese cabbage and supplements. my libido diminished completely  I lost close to 40 pounds in a very short time and felt great but after one year i started becoming extremely lethargic

[Going less Crazy]

Weird that you can react to sweet potatoes and pears.  Iirc they are both one of the least allergenic foods.  Maybe you ate something else that bothered you and you mistakenly attributed it to these foods?  Or having problems with them I guess is possible.

Example: if I eat gluten, I will have pain/brain fog from any food for the next 72 hours.