I'm a girlfriend of a man with POIS - how can I support?

[JT]

Hi,

I'm a 27 yr old female and hoping for some advice on how best to support my boyfriend who has POIS as well as any advice on how I can cope with my own libido / feelings. We've known each other for 15 years but only been in a sexual relationship since Jan 2015

 a little background:

We often have sex / oral etc but we stop before ejaculation which he really tries to avoid unless in his sleep, the days that follow he gets fatigue, headaches, anxiety etc that's so bad he doesn't  want to be with me at those times (I understood and want to stand by him but he can get too stressed with anxiety and irritability for him to want for me to be around).

what can I do as a girlfriend to support him and reassure him through anxiety that I don't think less of him to see him at that stage (this is his fear/anxiety)

One thing I'm finding hard to deal with is my partner wants to orgasm with me but he won't do it unless he can be on his own immediately after - I'm finding it hard to know how I would best find ways to cope afterwards as in my previous relationships we would normally cuddle and fall asleep afterwards but as this can't happen with us it's difficult to know he would want space immediately after - is there any advice from girlfriends of how to support and also ways to cope so you don't feel used or personally rejected (as illogical and unfair as those feelings maybe?) I don't want to guilt my partner for having POIS which would be so unfair.

I'm really sorry if I'm coming across as selfish, unreasonable or insensitive - it truly isn't my intent. Thank you in advance for any advice

[Prancer]

'ey JT! Bring him here to meet other sufferers just like him.

I made a list of the things I am currently using to cope with my symptoms. I use the word "you" in the list since it applies to a general audience, but decided to post it here since he's looking for advice.

1) Avoid and ignore those that badly irritate me, i.e. spammers, charlatans, phonies & morons (out of sight, outta mind).
2) Get plenty of restful sleep, if possible.
3) Try to get in some more exercise, if possible.
4) If there is to be an orgasm, it's best at night before bed (to sleep some of the effects off), and it's better if you get it from sex, if possible.
5) Sex! Yes, intimacy/sex without orgasm (or with, if you can handle it) is great for motivation, confidence and stress relief. Any type of sex or intimacy will work perfectly.
6) Friends: hang around those you like. Talk with them, play with them, and have a good time.
7) Think about what you can do to make your life simpler/easier. Every little thing counts. Try to keep things in order. Think! Understand things. It'll help you and make you feel great.
#8 Be very empathetic. I feel comfort in making those I like feel good and listening to them. Try not to be too narcissistic.
9) Do what you like. If someone likes climbing, exploring, hiking, music, biking, gaming, surfing, painting, building, then do it!
10) Reflecting back on #9, try to take your mind off your symptoms and you will sometimes forget you even have them.

I still believe a cure or effectual cure will come within the next few years. I'm an optimist when it comes to solving this problem for good, so we can finally move on from this problem to do better things.

[demografx]

Thanks, Prancer!

[demografx]

JT, welcome to our forum!

[JT]

Thank you both very much, I'll let him know about the site. It's helpful for me too to learn more.

The list is great and I know he finds rowing and exercise helpful even if he feels too tired to do it, a bit of a double edged sword.

He struggles with #6 as he has distanced his friends as he can find social gatherings a little overwhelming if he is suffering from brain fog and doesn't want to appear rude or disengaged but doesn't really want to tell people he has a condition... Whether he just calls it fatigue or by another name as only a couple of immediate family and myself know about it.

What do your girlfriends / wives / partners do that can help? What things should I never say that would just make him feel worse... Just want to make sure I never say anything to hurt him about living with POIS.

I'm so glad you're optimistic... Me too

[Quantum]

Hi JT,

Thanks for coming here and trying to understand and help your boyfriend.  This shows you have the heart it takes in order to help him with this problem. 

I have been married for 25 years now, and my wife is a wonderful person, but POIS has to be managed properly, because it can become hard on the feelings of a woman who is in relationship with a man having POIS, in particular when he has not found yet anything to lower his symptoms.

Like you have mentioned, having sex but stopping before ejaculation is useful.  It is one of the way we have used through the years in order to keep an active sex life while not compromising 2 or 3 days at work for me, and not hurting too often the emotional aspect of the relation, as I was transforming into an aggressive, jerky, anti-social and anxious person while in POIS, for about 2 to 3 days ( it is no longer happening now, but it has happened for years, before I have found ways to reduce my symptoms).

Having lived with POIS for about 37 years now, I have found things that help reduce my symptoms a lot, as I  have just mentionned above.  Just see my own method at http://poiscenter.com/forums/index.php?topic=2090.msg16604#msg16604 .  You will notice that there are some basic measures, like healthy food, but some more specific supplements that helps me when taken some time before ejaculation.  Your partner may glance some ideas on this forum and may find some safe, useful supplements and ideas that would help him get a significant level of relief.  Nothing so far works for every POISers, but among all the suggestions here from different members, he may find something useful for him.  Current research on POIS will hopefully bring a better understanding and better treatment options, but for now, members sharing what works for themselves is the best info currently available.

What NOT to do, has a female partner, is forgetting about the sensitive and lovable person your boyfriend truly is when he is not in POIS.  When in POIS, most sufferers undergo a personality change, not unlike Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide, or Bruce Banner, vs Hulk... So, remember, in those difficult days of POIS, that this is not who he truly his, and be patient, and, stay at safe distance, also, so to speak  ( I have been so mean to my spouse, sometime, when in POIS...but was not myself, and suffering a lot).  As some ways to lower the symptoms will be found, the duration and severity of POIS will diminished, and so the temporary but forced "distance keeping".

Remember, also, that you are not causing POIS in any way.  Your boyfriend loves you as you are, and POIS, usually, was there long before he has met you.  It is not that you are not this enough, or that enough... it is just a personal condition he has.

About the close moments just after sex, what is his onset time, the delay after ejaculation before he starts to have symptoms ?  For some, it is quite instantaneous.  Luckily for me, it takes a couple of hours, so those intimate moments just after sex are possible....  Check with him, to know exactly how much time it takes for him to start having symptoms, so you can have maybe that short time span with him, before taking a distance.  If it is instantaneous, you may have to let go, or experience these moments when having sex without ejaculation at the end.  At first, my wife had a strange feeling of incompleteness when we first tried that, but after a time, she was so happy with me not becoming aggressive, irritable and exhausted for 3 days that she got used to it, and then didn't noticed anymore after some months.

Wishing the best to both of you!

[poison]

Sorry if this was covered already.

When he is in a talkative mood, find out _if_ and where he feels pain after arousal, or even in general.

You can both practise giving massage to alleviate the pain and loosen up any tense muscles.

Massage is a great activity to give and receive, and doesn't require talking.


An aside: often I am irritable and in solitude because of a migrane or headache or heartburn I didnt even realise was there! Then my girlfriend will massage my neck or rub my tummy, or paste a salonpas on me and it really helps.

Just that sense of touch can lift me out of the dark place sometimes. Or she makes me laugh somehow with a stupid dance!

[FloppyBanana]

Welcome JT,

Well done for supporting your partner. There is a couple of medical studies which are happening. One finishes in Sept and the other at the end of 2017.

I would pass the medical papers to your partner. I referring to the studies that have already happened.

It looks likely they will prove how to relieve POIS symptoms with electronic nerve stimulation (tVNS to be more exact) in the study which completes in Sept. Once proved there will likely be a whole of bureaucracy obtaining the device which costs about 2.5K GBP, but it may not be that far away:-)

Best Wishes - FloppyBanana

[demografx]

... [tVNS] device which costs about 2.5K GBP...

I think if we stick together as a forum we will whittle that price WAAAAY down

Best,
demo

[demografx]

... [tVNS] device which costs about 2.5K GBP...

I think if we stick together as a forum we will whittle that price WAAAAY down

Best,
demo

For newcomers here, keep in mind that we forum members here contributed $34,000 in hard cash to fund our current POIS study at Rutgers.

We've proven 'POIS Forum Power'.

[JT]

Thank you all for advice.  I know for my partner massage is a great help, especially head, neck and back. In answer to a previous post onset is normally 5-10mins after so we don't really get the luxury of anytime together to cuddle or anything straight afterwards. The research on this site is great and really helpful. Thank you so much to all who've responded and all advice given - it is really appreciated.

[demografx]

Really teriffic of you, JT, to share your experience here with us POISers -- from the PARTNER'S perspective!

[Spartak]

JT you are truly great person!

I hope that I will find girl with that much love and respect for me as you have for your boyfriend.

[Defsync]

Thank you all for advice.  I know for my partner massage is a great help, especially head, neck and back. In answer to a previous post onset is normally 5-10mins after so we don't really get the luxury of anytime together to cuddle or anything straight afterwards. The research on this site is great and really helpful. Thank you so much to all who've responded and all advice given - it is really appreciated.

 disclaimer: i dont care about the laws regarding prescription meds.

use topical applications OR spec drugs to desnsitize penis so he doesnt have to ejac. get prescribed or obtain illegally lyrica to stave off part of the cognitive symptoms. tell him to work his Pubococcygeus muscle regularly as this will help in ejac control. get on a regular schedule where if ejac is a no no for two weeks, at the end of that two week period you guys agree to crazy day long sex romps with no obstaining from ejac (helps the woman a lot).

do not try to reason out things (can be anything) with him post ejaculation, up to 3 days post ejac. you wouldnt try and reason things out with someone with schizophrenia, same applies here as the cognitive dementia can disable his ability to interpret things through reasoning and logic

[Quantum]

disclaimer: i dont care about the laws regarding prescription meds.

use topical applications OR spec drugs to desnsitize penis so he doesnt have to ejac. get prescribed or obtain illegally lyrica to stave off part of the cognitive symptoms. tell him to work his Pubococcygeus muscle regularly as this will help in ejac control. get on a regular schedule where if ejac is a no no for two weeks, at the end of that two week period you guys agree to crazy day long sex romps with no obstaining from ejac (helps the woman a lot).

do not try to reason out things (can be anything) with him post ejaculation, up to 3 days post ejac. you wouldnt try and reason things out with someone with schizophrenia, same applies here as the cognitive dementia can disable his ability to interpret things through reasoning and logic

Hi Defsync,

It is fair from your part to mention that you do not care for the laws regarding prescriptions meds.  Anyway, it is clear that this forum do not recommend anyone to by pass any such laws, because they exist for a reason.  Lyrica  ( pregabalin) have a high potential for side effects ( severe drowsiness, for example), have contraindications, and also have interactions with other medications.  I hear you had benefits from using it regarding your POIS symptoms, but for other persons, taking other medications or having other medical conditions, and so on, it could be dangerous.  That's why, usually, pregabalin is worked from low doses and in increment, under medical supervision.   I wanted to make it clear that tthis forum endorse safe usage of medication.  We have enough problems with POIS, so better not create other ones from risky usage of medications.

Thanks for your understanding.